Exploring the Seasons Moment By Moment

I can’t hold it in any longer.  I am so pissed!  It still makes me mad just thinking about it.  I had such a great day and it ended so bad…because I let it, but still – AGGHHH!!!!  I screamed in a pillow I was so mad…yes, I took my sexy little head and drove it right in a pillow and screamed as loud as I could at 1:00 am in the morning on Saturday.  Friday night had been a blast.  I went to KC with a friend to see The Lion King (awesome…beyond words…and I wish I could just focus on that, but I can’t), and we ended up at his house where we met one of his lifelong friends.  Soon the conversation ended up talking about religion (of course) and I sat there is disbelief, sheer anger, and practiced more grace/mercy than I have in a long time.

He was reading a book by some dude that was more liberal in theology, and he was trying to convince my friend that non-Christians have to beware of such material because it is not bibically based.  His argument was if it isn’t in the bible directly, then it isn’t of God – what BS!  Sorry, I will try to finish the story before adding my input.  The author won’t that Satan tries to get us to be religious and we should beware not to become so; something I fully believe is true.  His argument was to find scripture that says it is bad to be religious or at least, where Satan is trying to get us that way.  HE WAS PRACTICING WHAT THE BOOK WAS TALKING ABOUT! (deep breaths…) He doesn’t think humans should trust their hearts or minds because both or corrupt.  My question would be, then what does God speak to?  But that is besides the point.  Midway through, after he quoted the book as saying that the story of Adam and Eve isn’t literal but metaphorical and how anti-Christian that was, I began to say that several very devoted Christians do believe that, but then I realized there was no point in speaking and let him be (even though I could crush him in thirty seconds I promise with his agenda…). 

After he left, I was pissed. I don’t hold in things very well as many of you know, I just wanted to scream, but was in an awkward position because he was a friend of my friend.  However, my friend knew how I felt on all of the topics being talked about and every time he would look at me, he could tell I was about to explode.  I literally had to cover my mouth with my hands to make sure that I didn’t say anything. 

This is the point of the story though, this guy’s faith is purely based off of what he can see and touch.  It isn’t faith – it is book knowledge.  The only faith he practices is that this book is true, after that, he is a blind follower (at least how I see it).  He wants to limit God into a book, and be his own interpreter of the text.  Creditials don’t matter to him (seminary, those who know Hebrew, Greek, or in general know what the hell they are talking about). And yet he is the “master” of faith.  He knows all because he compares it to “The Word” and that is the end all of God/faith/Christianity.  He doesn’t want true faith, he doesn’t want to explore and the unknown and the unexplorable.  He wants to stay safely in the comfort of his Bible and what it literally says – now that is BS and it pisses me off.

But I went to bed…eventually, and woke up the next morning.  I went to sit on the front porch with my friend and we just sat there rocking for a few minutes.  And then I noticed something.  On his side of the street there was a McCain/Palin sign in the yard, and directly across the street was a Obama/Biden sign.  And so I started speaking.

I told me friend that if he was creative and had a lot a camera he should take a picture of the two signs in the same shot.  Here on this side of the street, was one way of thinking, and then directly across the street was a very opposite view point.  However, both houses were in the same neighborhood and both families are still neighbors.  I think that is the way it is with Christians.  there are many blocks you can live in, many different sides of the streets, but overall, we all live in the Body of Christ.  Overall, we are still neighbors.  Maybe that is where the miracle lays.  Maybe that is where we see Christ at His best inside of us.  Yes, I got pissed when I shouldn’t have.  Yes, I screamed in a pillow.  But I remained quiet to other friend and shook his hand as he departed and wished him well – which I still fully mean with sincerity.  Maybe that simple act of love and patience will be passed on one day, and even if not, it was a good test for me.  Besides, it doesn’t really matter because no matter how much the friend wants to kick me out of heaven, he really doesn’t have a choice.  We are all still in one body…

I sat there.  My heart pumped.  Would they listen?  Do I really have to say anything?  What happens if they laugh at me?  Who am I to have a thought?  I am sure that you too have experienced such event.  It still happens to me every time I get ready to speak in front of a group of people.  Yes, believe it or not, I still get scared of what people will say.  I have said some pretty insightful, thought-provoking stuff in my day, along with arrogant, unthoughtful statements that left others thinking – what did he just now say?

Each time something comes to me and I feel led to say it, I know the feeling.  It is sheer neverousness.  And though I don’t know what causes it, I know how to solve the problem – by speaking.  I don’t know if what I said really changed anything.  In fact, if it did change anything you can kill me right here and now, but the point was that I spoke.  And even now as I sit here, I am okay no matter what people think because I said what I thought.  I had a voice and I used it.

Isn’t that what we get to do in our election?  (I really wasn’t planning on this direction for this post, but…)  It is our time to have a vote, to have a voice, and we must use it.  Liberals can’t be afraid of conservatives, and conservations can’t be scared to others.  Both parties need to open each other up and understand what the other is saying.  We each have a voice and can use it.  I don’t know if our individual voices really, in the long term matter to anyone or anything.  But I know this – that if we don’t use our voices, nothing will ever change.  One voice may not make the difference, but if that one voice is multipled by a thousand, soon things will begin to change.

So matter where you are, in a voting booth, or sitting in a day long meeting with a bunch of professors – speak your mind.  Say your thoughts and be proud of the guts it took to do so.  We will worry about content of what you say later, but for now, more people need to just speak.  I want to hear you.  God wants to hear you.  And that…that is worth opening your mouth for.

I like robes.  At least the kind that I am talking about – clergy robes.  I remember the first time I put on my very own robe.  It was December and I wanted to go for a walk.  Being outside brings me closer to God – no matter the season or time.  It was night time after a bad storm.  School may have even been cancelled because of the weather.  I know that I didn’t go into the office that day for one reason or another.  And so at 8:00 pm at night I found myself walking up to the church.  I remember listening to my MP3 player filled with Christmas music and looking at the clear sky and stars.  I may just love winter more than any other season, but the sky seems so much more crisp in the winter – much different the summer or fall skies.  I walked into my office, and there, on my desk was a package.  I knew it had to be my clergy robe that I ordered.  I opened it and put it on like a child with a brand new toy.  I still remember the weight of it on my body.  They are not cheap things, but rather made at high quality.  Whenever you walk with a robe on, you can’t help but to walk a little bit straighter.

But it wasn’t pride that was the reason.  It was the weight of the robe in the shoulders with all of the padding.  It was weight that reminded me each time I put it on the role that I had.  Sure I was just a youth pastor, but I was a pastor to someone, and more importantly I was there to walk with them, to share their joys and their sorrows.  The robe reminded me that I was carrying the cross on my shoulders and that is a role that shouldn’t be taken lightly.  And soon I became rather fond of wearing it. 

However, in the gospels we read about Jesus talking about robes with John the Baptist.  John didn’t have a soft robe to wear, and in fact, those who do wear soft robes live in palaces.  And so begins our discussion about if wearing a robe in service is a good thing or not.  You will find those who like it because it is about tradition and the role, and others who don’t because it creates seperation and authority when in truth we all fall short of the glory of God.  And you will find that the more current pastors out in the world keep their robes in the closet, using them only for those special occassions such as weddings or funerals. 

I do still like wearing the robe - I can’t lie, and I do know the reasons why.  But now, I can’t help but to think that the role pastors play can be expressed in so many ways, why does a robe matter?  Does it not go against what Jesus discusses in Matthew chapter 6 about living for the public to see instead of living for God in secret?  I don’t think Jesus would wear a robe.  I think Jesus would just have some blue jeans and a t-shirt that had a picture of The Simpsons on it.  Yes, I think he might even wear a ball cap, and team being the Angels of course! 

And so my robe safely remains in my closest in my bedroom, behind all of the dress clothes, behind all of the out of season clothes, next to my college graduation gown.  And it will be there that it safely stay until it is time to put it on again.  I don’t know when that will be, but until then…

I am still reflecting on my reading from yesterday.  Yesterday I focused on Forgiveness, today, I focus simply on community. This theme is coming up more and more in my life.  Community at the University, community with my online classmates, community within the church, community within my friends, and so forth.  It really is amazing how many different communities we are all in.  We are so divided in life no wonder it is easy to leave God out of some areas of life rather naturally – or actually, un-naturally.  How do we live in community?  What does a healthy community look like? 

I know I am idealistic, but I think that healthy community is filled with unhealthy people.  People who are broken.  My best relationships, my best friendships are full of fights and arguments and anger, but more importantly they are full of grace, love, and understanding that we are in this together.  My strongest friendships and relationships have had the biggest strains on them.  That isn’t to say though that other relationships didn’t fall apart, but the common element in those failing relationships is the lack of grace and love and desire to fight for that relationship. 

I used to hang around a bunch of acholics and drug dealers, and I now know why.  Because in the midst of that community was raw pain and hurt, and brokeness, but they weren’t afraid to talk about it.  Why would they be?  Everyone came from the same broken background.  Now, while they abused substances to run away from that pain which isn’t healthy, at least they knew they could trust each other.  Boy, was there drama all of the time.  Fights going on, but feelings were out there for everyone to see.  Stories were known and secrets – they were something that didn’t need to happen.  It was beautiful…until they all got drunk and I left them for their fun, but at the same time who they were…raw…was addicting to me.

And then I step into the “real world” – work force, church, wherever, and we start to hide who we are because we don’t have time to deal with such issues, but folks, it is who we are.  People in church are so busy  acting like they are “cured” because of God that they forget to show the rest of the world what struggles they are going through right now.  I am guilty of it.  Not many know my biggest issues because I want to look like I am together, but guess who I am hurting – me.  Me by not allowing myself to open up to a larger community and not be open to others.  God is a relational God (the Trinity) and so are we.  We are like our creator – we need people, but we lie to ourselves and hide in a corner like Adam and Eve not wanting anyone to see who we really are and our leaders encourage it!  I don’t believe that many of our pastors really want to know John Doe’s pain, his story – just his check and attendance.  BS!!!!!! A whole lot of BS!!!!!! 

True community is full of broken individuals who are accepted and used for their gifts and talents.  No, they aren’t allowed to stay the same, they are challenged to grow and to change from their less-than perfect ways, but at least they know they are loved by people and are not alone in the world.  And that is worth fighting for.  That is worth staying in church for (not really one to speak about this at the present moment but…).  That is the community that exists in God’s Kingdom and that is the community that I hope to one day be a part of.

I know that I haven’t been writing much, and to make an excuse, I actually have – through emails to selected individuals.  I remember one of my mentors talking about ol’ John Wesley and that he had his journals published – selectively, but published.  There may be periods in our lives where the world doesn’t need to see or hear our thoughts.  This has been one of those times.

A quick update on life, if you care – all is great.  I am teaching and really enjoy doing it at the college level.  I love just teaching three sections because it gives me time to do other things that are important to me.  Graduate school is going well.  I have signed up for next semester already, so I am hopeful that I will pass.  I don’t take anything for granted anymore though.  I have not been going to church and I am loving the time off.  It is important to me to reflect and be in soliditude.  I know that Wesley was against this (“For the bible speaks of no solidity religion” or something like that), but at the same time after stressing about church for so long, I got burned out on it.  The Missouri Review recently published warning signs of burn out and looking back, I met most of the signs.  I didn’t realize how bad I was until I have removed myself from the church setting.  Part of me is scared to go back, but I guess that is an issue I will be working out with God.  However, the more time goes on, the more ready I feel to get back into it.  I needed the lessons I learned from my first appointment - they were needed, but oh, how things change!  I am excited for myself (doesn’t matter if you are or not).  One day…one day I will be preaching…I will be pastor…may not last for a lifetime, but I will try it again.

So, I was reading this morning in my daily time with God about how forgiveness is a fundamental part of the Christian community.  I have a lot of forgiveness that I need to seek, but also to give.  I made lots of mistakes, and I take ownership in that, but now it is time to forgive others.  It is time to look past all the hurt and move on.  It isn’t easy, and I know that, but for our souls to heal, I believe we each need to do so. 

There are situations in our lives that mean we can’t actually go to the person we wronged and ask for forgiveness.  There are situations that mean we can’t get closure – people move away, die, or it just isn’t right to go to them; something in your gut tells you so.  But the need is still there.  I don’t know how to get rid of that feeling.  Maybe it will never really go away.  Maybe the key in these situations isn’t to get closure, but to get closer to God.  

If I believe that God can heal all pains, and God is the creator of all people, then is it so hard for me to believe that God can speak to those persons and mend their hearts as well as mine.  Do I as a person need that conversation, or will I settle with my faith in God that the Lord will take care of it?  I think I have to learn to settle that God will take care of it.  And that can be the hardest thing to cling to; however, it can also be the only thing that offers peace.

And those situations where I can go to a brother and sister and ask for forgiveness…I guess that is hard too, but needed.  It is never too late and it is never a waste of time.  That is what makes a community, a community.  Nobody is perfect, and we must remember that in our lives.  So let the forgiveness begin…

Years ago on a college road trip, a friend of mine introduced me to a show called The Office.  At the time, I really didn’t think much about it.  I mean, it had its funny parts, but I am not one to be “addicted” to very many shows; especially comedies.  However, as my life got more stressed, I was beginning to find the “this really doesn’t matter” mode relaxing.  And so this summer, when visiting a friend, I watched the first season of The Office.  This was during a period where I was running away from my own life and found myself for the first time in a long time…laughing.  I was smiling and giggling by myself as I watched this show.  It brought back so many memories about the true office situtation when I worked at the courthouse, and even some elements reminded me of church.  Either way, I needed to laugh in life and this helped me to do so.

So now I am, not “addicted”, but a big fan.  I own seasons 2 & 3.  I am slowly making my way through season 3 as I don’t watch it on television.  However, for the past few times I have been watching it, I have closed my eyes several times, just not wanting to watch it because it reminded me…of me.  Yes, the stupid things that some of these characters do and say remind me of myself.  And to my disappointment, I have to accept this fact.  Now my former co-workers at church named me as Dewight and maybe I am him, but I think there are times when I am so full of myself, Michael comes through.  Or the times that I think I am mightier than thou Angela.  Or when I am quiet and not so confident Pam.  Or even no-nonsense Stan when I just don’t give a care.  Or when I am so “out there” that Creed seems normal.  I could go on and on, but the truth is, I believe that each of us can see a piece of ourselves in each of the characters – rather we want to admit it or not.

So what does that tell us?  It tells me several things.  Like first, that though we are all different individuals with different personalities, there are common bonds between us.  We do have something in common with everyone, from the “country club” golfer, to the prostituate down the street, to the drug dealer in the apartment above us. 

No matter how many differences there are, there are similarities which should constantly remind us that we were created by one God.  A God that does understand our struggles and sorrows, but also has traits and charactertics like ourselves.  No wonder God can be so relateable to us, because I believe we house a little bit of the Lord in our personalities.

The world is diverse and we should celebrate that.  We should rejoice that we have come so far as a nation where a black man can run for President or that I can turn on the television and watch the spanish channel.  I know that this may sound weird to some, but sometimes I just watch the spanish channel and realize how small I am compared to the world.  Here I have access to a totally different culture and society in my home.  I love it.

Each of us make up The Office.  We are complex individuals with great diversity.  Let’s celebrate that and not let it divide us.  We are not just one “character” in this life but all kinds of different people.  It isn’t a bad thing that we don’t all think and act alike.  It is uncomfortable – trust me, I know.  Even as I write this I think back to a conversion with a friend that I asked, why can’t everyone just act like us (because there are some who REALLY like to push the social norm and are weird to me).  But I have to accept them anyway.  It isn’t easy and it takes a lot of practice.  But maybe one day…one day…I learn to love everyone in The Office…

Yesterday I attended a college organization meeting, and met up with a lot of old friends.  These people are ones that met way back when I was a college freshman and I haven’t really seen them since.  As I sat there just staring at them interacting with one another, I realized just how old they really look.  When did they (we) grow?  When did our confidence outgrow our fear of college?  I remember my first meeting of this organization where I didn’t say but two words.  I remember when I first met these folks, again saying only a few words.  Over time I got more and more comfortable, and soon my real, talkive, outspoken, energic self came out.  During this meeting yesterday, more and more of my energy rose and one girl (woman now) turned and said, you won’t ever loose your energy will you?

I smiled and thought, I hope not.  I want to be the crazy guy in the room.  I am sure that my teachers that I teach think I am the most spazic teacher they have.  I don’t mind that.  I don’t think it is a bad thing for people to have different personalities.  But the most important thing – people seem to laugh whenever I get going – mostly at me, but still.  Joy comes.  Happiness comes.  Friendships form and deepen.  Why is that a bad thing?

I think each of us was born with traits, gift that is a piece of God’s personality I think.  I hope God is really energetic.  I hope that Christ gets so exited sometimes that sitting in a chair is as painful as getting caught on fire.  One of my favorite quotes of John Wesley is “catch yourself on fire, and people will come from miles away to watch you burn.”  I love that. 

And so as I watched these friends now, I realized that we are not who we were when we first started, but at the same time, there are parts of us that don’t change; that are the same.  And that is bond that will last a lifetime.  No matter where we go, when we come together, we still have something to talk about.  And that, that I think is a miracle.  I am glad that somethings never change…

I am blessed by having two men in particular that I look up to.  I am blessed because after talking with my friends my age, they don’t seem to have that kind of relationship with someone older than them.  These men are not idols, heroes, or perfect.  These men are two individuals that I have grown to trust and respect, and pray that one day I hope to be a little like them.  These two men have become brothers to me, even though I have four older ones biologically.  When I grow older, and people look at me, I’d be okay if people say, he reminds me of… 

I want to make these two men proud of me.  I want them to look at me and smile and know that they helped formed me.  I want them to know that all of the energy and patience and advice and laughs and everything that they do for me isn’t in vain, that I am not a nobody.  But in the midst of trying to make them proud, I forgot what really makes them proud.  And for that, I have been trying to live a lie and an expection that is near impossible.

What makes these two proud of me?  I know exactly what it is.  It is when I take care of myself.  When I eat, sleep, and excerise to stay healthy.  It is when I take the steps needed to be mentally clear and sound.  It is when I love God more than anything and do what the spirit is calling me to do whatever that may be.  It is when I stop trying to be something that they want, and I start acting like myself…the me that they first liked in the beginning.

What it isn’t – fame.  Being known by many people.  Being first in my career choice or making lots and lots of money.  Being the person that “everyone talks about” and idolizes just to idolize.  Trying to outbeat everyone and killing myself just to live up to extremely high standards.  I may never be well known.  I may never be well-respected in my field, and I have to learn to be okay with that.  I have to learn that, that isn’t what makes these two men proud of me nor it isn’t why I look up to them at all.

And so, yeah, I continue on trying to make them proud of me.  I continue on living day to day honoring the words that they have spoken.  Besides I probably remember more of their words to me than they do.  But I know what I have to do to make them proud and it isn’t what I have been doing.   I have been trying to live the “perfect” life and in the mean time forgetting what life really is.  Let’s pray that I don’t forget for awhile.

I am going to make you proud.  I am going to do my best.  And I won’t forget what means.

This blog is a way of recording of who I am becoming in life.  It is no secret that I haven’t posted in a LONG time, and for that I am sorry.  My computer crashed in July and hopefully I will get it fixed by the end of the week, but it still remains a mystery to me.  Either way, I should have posted more this summer, but I didn’t.  And now, just like “time” would have it, I have it, summer is concluding.  To try to begin to tell you what all has happened, would be…well, impossible.  So many times Christians bash people in the bible because as we read the words, we say to ourselves, “Didn’t they get it?  Why did they do this or that??”  And yet, I wonder if years from now, we will do the same.  How many times do we have to learn the same lessons in life.  Why can’t we seem to get them the first time?  I just keep on asking myself the simple question (yet very complex answer) who am I becoming?

I wish life was easier than it is.  I wish that I had a very more answers than I do, but I guess that is what you spend your early 20’s doing – finding those answers by finding the right questions to be asked.  I feel like everything I did in my teen years was a waste, I was so limited back then – I am so limited now, but I am better than what I was.  I know that.  There is hope of improvement.  I just wish the process was more clear.  I also want to know how I turn out.  Will I be a bitter old man hating my life, or will I be a gentle soul with few cares knowing that God has me?  Will I know what it is like to love another with all of my heart, or will my heart grow cold?  Will I make my mentors proud, or will I fail them and God in becoming a loser?  Will I even make it past the age of 30? 

Sometimes I feel so powerless over who I am becoming.  I am on a path that in one quick moment, has directed me in a way that I regret now (in some areas).  In other areas I am happy with the direction I am going.  Either way, there are times that I sit in my room and think, “Is this where I am supposed to be?  Is this who I thought I would be at the age of 21?  Am I doing what I want?”  I don’t know the answers to any of those questions.  (And it sucks – a lot!!!)

So I go on.  I don’t know when my next post will be.  It may be tomorrow, or it could be three years from now.  Either way, I am becoming…someone…something…just not sure what.  Let’s just pray that I grow in the way of the Lord.  Let’s just pray that I become who God wants me to be…

I am always trying to become better in life, which has its good points and its bad.  What sucks is that often I am too hard on myself.  However, at the same time, it is because that I am hard on myself that I am constantly trying to get better – in 10 different areas at one time.  I know that the true key to success is to pick one area and focus on it and then another, but it seems like if I do that, 75 years isn’t enough time, but then again, I guess that is why God offers eternity.

So I have made these lists…on paper, on my computer, and yes, even in my head of all the things that I want to change and improve on.  And where has it gotten me – not very far.  However, the things that are not that important I am doing great on.  I am finally taking time off and telling, even my boss, ”No” and am reading books on how to improve my ministry.  They say that people will appreciate you better if you have clear boundaries and can say “no”, and I am trusting that they are correct.  However, the truth of the matter is that I am not around to hear what people have to say – for better or for worse, so it REALLY doesn’t matter!!!  I did a crap load of work yesterday and am not feeling bad that I haven’t made it into the office yet even though it is 11:00.  I have organized my new office (we moved in last spring, but due to student teaching, I literally just through everything in my space and made it look nice), and updated my calendar – since May!!!  I still need to do some other personal things to get totally comfortable with where I am, but with all of the changes happening so fast (literally in a week I went to living one way to living a completely different way in every way imaginable).  And yet, as I sit here being somewhat lazy, I find myself desiring to do more.  I can’t seem to find that balance of doing what I want without getting too burned out.  And so what ends up happening is I begin something, a desired habit, a new goal, a great book, and I slowly get burned out because I am in such a rush to “master” it that I don’t stick to it in the long run.

So how do we really stick to something?  A book that I am reading describes that we should strive above all else to keep falling deeper and deeper love with God.  Not to sound elementary, but how does one fall in love with someone/something that can’t be seen nor heard.  One cannot get to know the personality of God nor can they hear about what God is going through.  You are never apart, which if you want to talk about co-dependent relationship in a marriage – try always being with your partner and never being able to have time with yourself or it is death…literally!!! (ah…my theological views…) 

Maybe our love for God isn’t like our love for other humans.  Maybe our love for God has to be deeper than that because it is rooted in faith.  Now we are getting really abstract here, and mind blogging for some, because in order to go much deeper (too deep for a blog post) we have to define with words, words like love and faith - both so rich with emotion and intuition that it is extremely hard to put mere words to describe them; and so I will let you think on all of this.   However, my question is this – is our love for one another human rooted in faith or is it rooted on preference or just merely, our love is rooted in love.  I don’t know if that makes sense, but then again, it all goes back to how do you define these words.  And if you are confused, don’t worry, others will be too.  You are not the only one, and so I better stop now, while I may or may not be ahead.

The whole point folks is this, sticking to something is hard.  It is difficult.  And falling in love with God (which is the most important thing to stick to doing), continuing on that path is hard.  But both require faith.  Faith that what we are doing today will make a better tomorrow.  For faith like that can truly move mountains.  May you stick to everything that you want to do. 

Ps- My next post won’t be so confusing…