Earlier this evening, I surfed through some photos of, “Who is out and about in Boston?”. There were dozens of individuals portrayed in this short album. It dawned on me at that moment just the lengths people have to go through to become somebody of fame in these parts. In mid-Missouri, all you need to do was wear the right unusual outfit to become a local celebrity. Here, there are far too many people that are doing their own thing to really be noticed. And surprisingly, at the thought of trying to get out and become someone – well, I have no interest. Instead, I would rather focus on just becoming the person I want to be. I don’t need the fame. I don’t need the stress of saying always the right thing or being at the place. This is a surprising change given that I have never been closer to the possibility of becoming somebody now. The doors are all around me, if I really wanted to pursue that.

What this means, is that I don’t really know what I want to do now. I mean, without the pressure of becoming famous, or really becoming anyone at all, it frees me up to be anything I want to be. The possibilities are endless – which is exciting. And a bit overwhelming. I think I am going to enjoy my time in Boston. Let’s see what happens!

And so, after months of planning, here I sit. In bed. In Boston. Miles away from any known world. My friends, my family, my existence is far removed, and the only being left is…me. And so I begin a new life. Where any possibility is, well, possible. I am attending seminary, the great education for those who want to study the Divine. I am not sure of my purpose here or what it will lead to, but then again, I have never truly planned my path. I learned back in my college years to just chill.

During my freshman year, in the privacy of my room, I created a timeline for my life. What I would do before 25, before 30, 40, 50, etc. I had my entire life mapped out. Upon looking at it, I ripped it to shreds. That is not how life is to be live. Life is breathing, constantly changing. I can’t plan to fall in love. Hell, one can’t plan on accepting one being gay. So much has changed from that freshman long ago, and yet, I find myself, in a way, starting right back where I was…a first year student in a program of study.

I don’t know what will happen in the course of the next few years. Maybe I will become a famous author. Or maybe, I will simply dissolve into nothingness. Either option is fully possible. However, this is my new start that I so badly craved. Let’s hope I can make it a good one.

Professionally I find myself in a multiple settings and environments.  My work takes me to various locations around the city and beyond.  There is one location in particular where my presence is not appreciated or wanted…part of the time.

My position is one that is a “political minefield” where I must trend lightly so that I do not upset the preexisting bureaucracy that has been established well before my time.  There is one location, a building where I have not only caused a few mines to blow, but the landscape has been left barren with the stink of death rising from the soil.  Relationships have been broken, and my mere presence causes people to become tense and paranoid towards any activity I partake in.  I recently spent a day at this location and it took me a few hours to recover after leaving.  I could feel the anger and the feelings of being unwanted in the air when I spoke or was glanced upon.  I am not used to this feeling.  Most people in this world enjoy my presence. 

Here is where the twist lies …this is only for the day time staff.  For the night time staff love me and I them.  Laughter is heard, relationships are strengthen, and only good times happens.  When I walk in the building at night, faces light up at my entrance, and genuine interest is given towards my life.  This is of course returned to their own lives as we share each other’s stories. 

What a paradox this place is! A single building which causes my gut to ache and yet my soul to rejoice – depending on the time of day.  This truly is an example of two extremes being met in one place, and the clash that occurs upon the meeting.  There is no hope or desire to change how either party feels about me; the truth is that the day time people will always dislike me and the night time people will like me. 

The amazing thing to me is to realize Christ in the midst of this craziness.  Clearly I could speak about how Christ is in the evening fellowship where laughter is shared, but the truth is that Christ is even in the daytime discomfort because all things are redeemed through Christ.  This hard truth can be revealed because this building could symbolize only negative thoughts and reactions, but the night time staff redeem those thoughts.  Is this how Christ redeems our lives?  I think when it is all said and done, Christ will even mend the relationship between the day folks and myself, but for now we continue to live in brokenness. 

I am sure that there are more lessons to realize through this paradox, but for now, my mind is full.  For now, I must settle for having things as they are – being hated during the day and loved at night.

I sat down and prepared myself.  I am usually pretty emotional as it is so I knew that I had to put my guard up.  I could have worked while watching it, but I wanted to give it my full attention.  I wanted to show the inner strength that I have.  I thought to myself, “One of the main characters is going to die.  Could it be Woody?  Buzz?  Jessie?”  I just kept telling myself not to cling on to these characters – I could not risk attaching myself to any of them because I just knew a death was coming.  I mean, it has to take a lot to be the “most tears shed movie”.   I waited for the movie to take a dramatic turn for the worst.  And I waited…

And waited…

And waited…

And it was during my wait that something happen to me; I began to get lost in the film.  I was no longer constantly warning myself to separate myself from these characters, but I began to fall in love with them all over again, just as I did when I was 9 when I saw the first film.  These characters became old friends again, and reminded me of my own toys growing up.  I have such fond memories playing with my action figures – not dolls – with my older brother on Saturday morning.  I would get through every holiday with them, after school, and whenever I wanted to escape from my own world.  The characters started to remind me of my own childhood.

And then the end of the movie came.  It was not death that made me cry.  It was the departure.  It was the symbolic passing of one’s childhood to another.  As if it was a torch that had been passed on to the more innocent, pure people of our world.  It was passing on times when your world didn’t of scandal, drama, or heartbreak.  Pain was not getting ice cream after dinner.  We can never go back to that innocent state no matter how hard we try.  We can never deny our knowledge of reality that is filled with brokenness.  And yet we continue on.

My toys served as my best friends.  Not that I would tell them anything as if they were human, but rather, they were the characters I invented in my head to get me through when I felt all alone.  My toys were from different origins, different series, and yet when I held them, they were all family.  I had Aladdin action figures, Loin King, some GI Joes, and random others.  There were groups and there were individuals.  But through it all, they all had one thing in common – they were mine. 

But like all things, my time with my toys ended just as they ended with Andy in the film.  My toys are actually in a closet in my parents’ home safely awaiting the next generation of children to play with them.  I have a feeling even if I don’t have children of my own, I will still want to hang on to them.  Maybe one day in the nursing home I will play with them again.

The larger thinking point is this though – how many people do we only spend a season of our lives with?  We may dream of spending a lifetime with the same neighbors down the street, but that is no longer our reality; at least that will never be my life.  With each chapter of my life, new people enter into it and leave.  And yet each person remains dear to me.  Just when I think that I have no more room in my heart to love another person, room is made.  Maybe that is a small miracle in itself.

And so for all those who I have departed from already, please know that you are safely inside of me.  And for those I have yet to meet, please know that there is plenty of room in my heart to give you my love.

Where am I now?  I am in a whole new city, working part time at a church as an associate (might as well call me that), working full time for a University teaching and recruiting students.  I have all new friends and discovered the true meaning of family.  Those who had issue of my gayness are not a part of my life on a regular basis, and while I am sadden for their absence, I am also thrilled by the new people that have entered into my life. 

Tonight I finished applying for financial aid for seminary.  I have applied to five schools – each one has it great advantages.  I did not have low expectations for this.  I wanted to challenge myself like no other, and well, I will succeed I have a feeling.  I just have to decide where I want to go.  My mind is once again racing to the future and dreaming of all the awesome things that will happen while I should be more focused on what is going on in the present.  Maybe one day I will work on improving this. 

I thought about creating a new blog.  One that is fresh and has no baggage of where I have been, but then I thought, “That would be a waste”  The title of this blog is exploring the seasons, and while some seasons cannot be published with my thoughts, life continues on throughout multiple times.  With each day, I live more fully into the person that I should become and that mere fact gives me hope. 

And so we continue…exploring the seasons…

For the first time in my life (at least what I remember), I sat outside to “tan” after some people commented how “white” my legs were.  Being self-conscience, I figured that I would set out as the sun set.  And during this hour, the sun’s rays warmed my face, and while I did sweat, it was refreshing how it hit my eye lids (my eyes were closed).  And while I was counting down the minutes until the hour was finally over, I didn’t realize time for the first 45 minutes.  I just was in the sun’s presence.  And they say that everyone should get some sunlight as it provides vitamin D.  Often times when I am at work and I get overwhelmed, a good walk in the sun helps revive me.  It is like we are all Superman/Supergirl) and we get our energy from the sun.

I think God works the same way in our lives.  The presence of the divine is always there and we are constantly in relationship with the Trinity, and yet, we are not fully aware of it.  And when we are low and need refreshing, God can provide it.  No matter if it is day or night, there is always some presence there, within us and around us.

Got to soak up some more Trinity this week.  It helps keep us all more balanced.

Because of these differences being so severe, friends and mentors were encouraging me to distance myself from that person and not talk with them.  For months now, I have struggled with this.  Just whenever I would stop communicating with them, something would happened, and before I knew it, we were talking or I was sending some form of communcation.  Their response was that out of love we must distance ourselves because of the differences being so great.  I have been thinking about that for awhile.

Last night I concluded, I can not do this.  I can not ignore this person or act like they don’t exist.  Whenever I want to call them and get their insight into a matter, I should be able to do.  Whenever I want to text a message of encouragement, I should be able to do so.   The answer to love shouldn’t be disconnect from each other.  The answer to love should be to overcome any differences and hurt, and fight for relationship.

I am finished not talking the person.  I am finished with getting upset about the situation because I am exhausted from it all.  I will probably always talk to this person and that is just fact.  I don’t know how close we will be, I guess that is up to them, but the end result is avoiding and cutting the person out of my life was too much work.

If die tomorrow, I won’t be remembered for being the nicest person or the most trustworthy or honest. I am not any of those really. But for someone to be able to say, “He always reached his hands out to me with love” – yes, that is what I think Christ would smile at because you can never show the love of Christ by withdrawing yourself from people.  Love and disconnected relationships don’t equate, ever.

May you find peace with those who you are struggling to be in relationship with.  The answer is not avoidance or kicking someone out of your life.  The answer is finding love in the midst of the craziness (which means you don’t always listen to them about certain topics, but you do talk with them).  May you seek God’s presence in another person and recongize that as you treat them, you treat Christ.  May you reconnect all strings to a relationship and spend the rest of your life trying to make them stronger.

As I walked, in very cold weather, holding bottled water to get some freshness inside of me, within a two minute span I saw former and current students of mine who said, “Hello Mr. …”.  I realized that on a campus of more than 12,000 students, I ran into three students of mine who first started smiling as they saw me and spoke to me first!  I couldn’t get that kind of response from half of my church folk if I wanted it!!!  It reminded me once again that I am here to serve my students, to make their lives better, and for the first time in a while I felt good about what I am doing.  It isn’t just me and my computer up in some window-less office trying to write curriculum, but it is more about connecting individuals with knowledge so that they will have a brighter future; whether they realize it or not.

And then I thought about this blog.  I sent an email out to some close friends and co-workers about a recent event that happened to me and I got more than a few positive responses.  I got an overwhelming sense of “we needed to hear that”.  The message, you ask?  Simply to remember why we are doing what we do, and to show love to others.  Can’t get religious in the work setting, but it was implied and everyone knew it.  But it was a simple message that people needed to hear.

I was talking to another co-worker who stated that instructors and staff don’t share the positive stories and encourage each other like that on a regular basis.  We need to.  During this past week, I went to several offices where instructor after instructor replied with, “That is the way it works around here.”  I remember my days at the court house with some of the public being very rude to the clerks, and I asked them why are they so nice.  The reply was, “We are used to being treated like crap.”  I never understood why.  If we all know the situation, then shouldn’t we support and encourage each other?  Shouldn’t we reach out to a brother and sister and say, “Wow! You can write really well! I think you should publish a book!!!”  (referring to a very close friend who I want to see published soon – cough, cough)

I want this site to be somewhere where people can come and read inspirational stories, thoughts, and insights based off my life to give hope; that is what it started off to be and I got bored with it; however, the more I interact with different types of people, the more I realize that, that is exactly what we need more of.  We need inspiration and encouragement.  And I am out to do just that.  I don’t know what it will look like, and I don’t know who and to whom I will do it to, but I am bound to encourage people.  We may not be able to change the system, but by golly I am bound to change my corner of the Universe.

Some people blog about church issues, personal struggles, and political bandwagons.  I want my blog to help spread the love of Christ to those who may or may not know about it, but can experience it afresh each day.

So, in honor of my first posts, May you feel encouraged today with whatever you are doing.  May you know that God loves you and is with you through the good and the bad.  God never gives up or leaves, and God always has order in the midst of total chaos.  May you read this blog as much as you would like to get what you need from it.  May this blog provide at least one of many smiles each day.

It is no secret that I am a) opinionated and b) strong willed and will do as I please most of the time.  This has led to some drifts at work and really I don’t mind for the most part.  The more I interact with people, I realize not that “you are on your own” but you have those fighting and living for the force of good and those who are living for their forces.  But this is where I am having trouble justifying my actions – because from another’s point of view, I could be just as guilty about living for myself and always trying to get my way just like the others.  The difference is, I think I am right.  But am I?

And so I started looking at me from my enemies view point, and I realized something – we are not different, at all which is scaring the hell of me.  Everyone who walks this earth has an opinion about how things should be done, and even can have a say what they are and are not going to do.  Both parties see an issue, take a side, and move forward defending that viewpoint.  Each party thinks they are right, and in the balance of trying to work through the system, sometimes truth needs to be bent, rules made liquid, and ethics…ummm…I can’t bring myself to say it.

I read in Psalms where the author asks God to destroy the author’s enemies.  I gather that in different situations throughout time this has brought hope to many different people.  I mean, what could be better than the bible telling you, you are correct, and everyone else is damned for the flames of hell.  But I disagree, it didn’t bring me hope.  It didn’t bring me joy.  It brought me immense about of sadness because just as my enemies are guilty in my opinion, I am just as guilty of them.  I don’t tell my enemy what I am doing each day.  I don’t let them have a say in matters where they really should based on position and title.  I just do what I want and know that it is better than what we have, but I am stuck with – does that make it right?

Maybe your enemies are liberal.  Maybe your enemies are conservatives.  Maybe your enemies are atheist or agonstic or even Christian.  But no matter the difference, we are not each other’s enemies.  We are just as guilty of living egocentric lives as the next person.  Let us not pray for the damnation of any soul, but rather the mercy for all.  The awesome grace that God provides to God’s children no matter the generation.  Let us pray for forgiveness because we have enemies.  In my experience, it always take two to tango.

Maybe the truth is – our neighbor isn’t the enemy.  The enemy is rather ourselves.

This blog is a sharing of my experiences and thoughts that define  life; all of our lives.  Simple truths, hard lessons, and fucked up lies that need to undone.  I find myself yearning for a life that is unknown to me yet.  I find myself thinking I want a life like that and yet it is as distant as a shooting star in the cold night’s sky.  It isn’t a reality for me because I don’t let it.  Is it because I am lazy?  Is it because I am fearful?  A little of both I think.  However, the life I want to live is fully possible and doable.  I just have to choose to want it.

I am not there yet.  I have to take it step by step.  First, I step, I need to get caught up to the present.  All the back work on the desk needs to get done ASAP.  That means that I may not get much sleep or rest, but come Monday, I will be totally caught up.  I have to be if I am going to start to change how I live and what I do.  I have already made my list of things I want to start doing in life and making sure that I accomplish – one being self care which I suck at!

So, here’s a toast, to making the first step…