Exploring the Seasons Moment By Moment

I have a relationship, we all have them, where it is extremely broken.  We used to be really good friends, but due to differences and events that happened, someone who I used to speak with often is as foreign to me as words spoken in German.  I don’t understand them anymore and the language they speak to is so distant from what I believe that they too want very little to do with me.  The line of communication was being disconnected.

Because of these differences being so severe, friends and mentors were encouraging me to distance myself from that person and not talk with them.  For months now, I have struggled with this.  Just whenever I would stop communicating with them, something would happened, and before I knew it, we were talking or I was sending some form of communcation.  Their response was that out of love we must distance ourselves because of the differences being so great.  I have been thinking about that for awhile.

Last night I concluded, I can not do this.  I can not ignore this person or act like they don’t exist.  Whenever I want to call them and get their insight into a matter, I should be able to do.  Whenever I want to text a message of encouragement, I should be able to do so.   The answer to love shouldn’t be disconnect from each other.  The answer to love should be to overcome any differences and hurt, and fight for relationship.

I am finished not talking the person.  I am finished with getting upset about the situation because I am exhausted from it all.  I will probably always talk to this person and that is just fact.  I don’t know how close we will be, I guess that is up to them, but the end result is avoiding and cutting the person out of my life was too much work.

If die tomorrow, I won’t be remembered for being the nicest person or the most trustworthy or honest. I am not any of those really. But for someone to be able to say, “He always reached his hands out to me with love” – yes, that is what I think Christ would smile at because you can never show the love of Christ by withdrawing yourself from people.  Love and disconnected relationships don’t equate, ever.

May you find peace with those who you are struggling to be in relationship with.  The answer is not avoidance or kicking someone out of your life.  The answer is finding love in the midst of the craziness (which means you don’t always listen to them about certain topics, but you do talk with them).  May you seek God’s presence in another person and recongize that as you treat them, you treat Christ.  May you reconnect all strings to a relationship and spend the rest of your life trying to make them stronger.

It has been a fascinating few weeks in my life, and I figured out what I want this blog to be.  I went for a walk on campus today and looked into the faces of the students.  I think that this is an excerise every professor should have to do at least once a week.  Walk on campus during a break where students are switching classes and just look into the students’ eyes.  They are bursting with so much insight if one would just do this.

As I walked, in very cold weather, holding bottled water to get some freshness inside of me, within a two minute span I saw former and current students of mine who said, “Hello Mr. …”.  I realized that on a campus of more than 12,000 students, I ran into three students of mine who first started smiling as they saw me and spoke to me first!  I couldn’t get that kind of response from half of my church folk if I wanted it!!!  It reminded me once again that I am here to serve my students, to make their lives better, and for the first time in a while I felt good about what I am doing.  It isn’t just me and my computer up in some window-less office trying to write curriculum, but it is more about connecting individuals with knowledge so that they will have a brighter future; whether they realize it or not.

And then I thought about this blog.  I sent an email out to some close friends and co-workers about a recent event that happened to me and I got more than a few positive responses.  I got an overwhelming sense of “we needed to hear that”.  The message, you ask?  Simply to remember why we are doing what we do, and to show love to others.  Can’t get religious in the work setting, but it was implied and everyone knew it.  But it was a simple message that people needed to hear.

I was talking to another co-worker who stated that instructors and staff don’t share the positive stories and encourage each other like that on a regular basis.  We need to.  During this past week, I went to several offices where instructor after instructor replied with, “That is the way it works around here.”  I remember my days at the court house with some of the public being very rude to the clerks, and I asked them why are they so nice.  The reply was, “We are used to being treated like crap.”  I never understood why.  If we all know the situation, then shouldn’t we support and encourage each other?  Shouldn’t we reach out to a brother and sister and say, “Wow! You can write really well! I think you should publish a book!!!”  (referring to a very close friend who I want to see published soon – cough, cough)

I want this site to be somewhere where people can come and read inspirational stories, thoughts, and insights based off my life to give hope; that is what it started off to be and I got bored with it; however, the more I interact with different types of people, the more I realize that, that is exactly what we need more of.  We need inspiration and encouragement.  And I am out to do just that.  I don’t know what it will look like, and I don’t know who and to whom I will do it to, but I am bound to encourage people.  We may not be able to change the system, but by golly I am bound to change my corner of the Universe.

Some people blog about church issues, personal struggles, and political bandwagons.  I want my blog to help spread the love of Christ to those who may or may not know about it, but can experience it afresh each day.

So, in honor of my first posts, May you feel encouraged today with whatever you are doing.  May you know that God loves you and is with you through the good and the bad.  God never gives up or leaves, and God always has order in the midst of total chaos.  May you read this blog as much as you would like to get what you need from it.  May this blog provide at least one of many smiles each day.

I couldn’t sleep at all last night.  I stayed up until 1:30 and for those who know me, know that that isn’t normal.  I knew what was on my mind, but I didn’t want to deal with it.  Earlier that day, some aquaintances I know told me that they didn’t trust me.  This is work related and when I heard it straight from their mouths, I was taken aback.  When did I become someone that couldn’t be trust?  Yes, I have always done my fair share of talking behind people’s backs (but only the bad people).  Sure I’ve shared secrets with really close friends, but never necessarily betraying anyone’s trust too badly.  But I guess, when I stand back and look at it, I brought this upon myself.

It is no secret that I am a) opinionated and b) strong willed and will do as I please most of the time.  This has led to some drifts at work and really I don’t mind for the most part.  The more I interact with people, I realize not that “you are on your own” but you have those fighting and living for the force of good and those who are living for their forces.  But this is where I am having trouble justifying my actions – because from another’s point of view, I could be just as guilty about living for myself and always trying to get my way just like the others.  The difference is, I think I am right.  But am I?

And so I started looking at me from my enemies view point, and I realized something – we are not different, at all which is scaring the hell of me.  Everyone who walks this earth has an opinion about how things should be done, and even can have a say what they are and are not going to do.  Both parties see an issue, take a side, and move forward defending that viewpoint.  Each party thinks they are right, and in the balance of trying to work through the system, sometimes truth needs to be bent, rules made liquid, and ethics…ummm…I can’t bring myself to say it.

I read in Psalms where the author asks God to destroy the author’s enemies.  I gather that in different situations throughout time this has brought hope to many different people.  I mean, what could be better than the bible telling you, you are correct, and everyone else is damned for the flames of hell.  But I disagree, it didn’t bring me hope.  It didn’t bring me joy.  It brought me immense about of sadness because just as my enemies are guilty in my opinion, I am just as guilty of them.  I don’t tell my enemy what I am doing each day.  I don’t let them have a say in matters where they really should based on position and title.  I just do what I want and know that it is better than what we have, but I am stuck with – does that make it right?

Maybe your enemies are liberal.  Maybe your enemies are conservatives.  Maybe your enemies are atheist or agonstic or even Christian.  But no matter the difference, we are not each other’s enemies.  We are just as guilty of living egocentric lives as the next person.  Let us not pray for the damnation of any soul, but rather the mercy for all.  The awesome grace that God provides to God’s children no matter the generation.  Let us pray for forgiveness because we have enemies.  In my experience, it always take two to tango.

Maybe the truth is – our neighbor isn’t the enemy.  The enemy is rather ourselves.

I have rewritten this post several times because I want to come back into the world of blogging kicking ass.  There are so many types of blogs out there – blogs on information, about daily lives, about what people think on issues.  This blog isn’t about my stance on issues – smarter people than I will be at the table to discuss and solve them.  This blog isn’t about a particular topic – I can not be limited to such narrowness in discussion, my brain has grown too abstract for such linear conversations.  This blog isn’t a daily record of my life’s doings – for that is contained in the many pages of many different personal journals.

This blog is a sharing of my experiences and thoughts that define  life; all of our lives.  Simple truths, hard lessons, and fucked up lies that need to undone.  I find myself yearning for a life that is unknown to me yet.  I find myself thinking I want a life like that and yet it is as distant as a shooting star in the cold night’s sky.  It isn’t a reality for me because I don’t let it.  Is it because I am lazy?  Is it because I am fearful?  A little of both I think.  However, the life I want to live is fully possible and doable.  I just have to choose to want it.

I am not there yet.  I have to take it step by step.  First, I step, I need to get caught up to the present.  All the back work on the desk needs to get done ASAP.  That means that I may not get much sleep or rest, but come Monday, I will be totally caught up.  I have to be if I am going to start to change how I live and what I do.  I have already made my list of things I want to start doing in life and making sure that I accomplish – one being self care which I suck at!

So, here’s a toast, to making the first step…

I just logged in from over a month of stepping away from this thing (blog, not the computer…), and there were a few spammed comments that I never went through.  One of them was from an actual person, don’t know who, who wrote “I lost your point…”  Doesn’t really surprise me as I can barely keep up with my own brain and my thoughts.  I wonder, does this blog even have a point?

I don’t think it does.  I think rather it is a place for me to share what I am thinking, and if no one understands and even reads it, I’m okay with that.  I am okay with not having a point to life right now.  I am okay for living today for today’s sake and hope that I get to try again tomorrow.  There is hope in that, there is a loss of expectation in that, that is freeing.

So, this isn’t long, so what?  Did it make sense?  I don’t care…  It simply is what it is.  And I really like that…

Well, looking at the blog stats that are available to me, I realize that my hopes that dozens of people are flocking to hear my words is well, not happening.  I am somewhat disappointed; however, a part of me enjoys the fact that this time in my life is shared with the few who do read this thing.  I appreciate you spending time to read what I have to say. I have a friend who mentors, and I try to read old posts that he wrote before I met him.  Maybe one day someone will come back and research these beginning posts as I grow into whoever I am growing into…  However, as it may be clear, the time periods that I don’t blog – as it has been awhile, means that life has had a few struggles for me.  Slowly I am coming around to yet another part of this mountain we call life. 

I am reading another book that has me thinking.  Last time I blogged about a book it was a metaphor about our journey with Christ.  This book that I am reading now is about spending time with God.  A quote particularly stood out to me as I was reading.   Actually, I should slow down (I read about 50 pages at a time trying to get through it) and really blog about each thing I am learning.  Maybe one day I will pick up journaling and blogging more that I will record my thoughts.

The quote that stood out was “This isn’t a test, it is a conversation.”  This is something that I have had to learn rather quickly in life recently.  I have a friend that I look up to, and I want to perfect for them.  However, no one can stand up to perfection, and the constant effort of trying to do so is a killer.  In our conversations, I try to always have the perfect words or phrases to reply back with, but at some point, there is no “perfect reply”; there is only a reply. 

So often times because we are taught in the public school system that we need to have the right answer to be rewarded, we forget that it is okay to be wrong.  It is okay to not have all of the answers, because quite frankly, no one does.  If we are in true relationship with each other, it shouldn’t matter.  There should be room to breathe.  I am blessed with others who aren’t testing me, but rather just having a conversation with me.  I need to remember that grace and love when I talk to others.

Sometimes I wonder if I really matter to anyone.  I know some may think it is silly, but it is true.  Do I really make an impact on anyone?  When I die, will anyone truly miss me or will people just move on and say “that’s sad”?  I don’t know the answer to that question, I don’t think anyone really does; only time will tell, but I will tell you this – I think I matter to the people I care about most.

My students sometimes ask me if I care about what they think of me.  I tell them no.  I have a few number of people, five or so that I really care about and what they think of me means everything to me.  If they say get over it, I know it is truth.  These people I trust with my life.  We all have these individuals in our lives (I hope), but mine are the best.   Well, right now during a difficult time in life, in the last week two of these individuals, without knowing how much impact it would have, did small gestures that have meant the world to me.  They really don’t have a clue probably, and that is what makes it even sweeter.  Two people in their own way aknowledged me in their lives and out of the thousands of people they may know, for some reason they remembered me and it was nice.  It was needed. 

We all matter to someone.  We all are cared for.  We just have to seek those persons out, looking past what is easy to see and search for the Truth.  Thanks for reading this, no matter who you are.  It matters to me that my words I write are read.  And may someone today make you feel like you are important, needed, and loved.

Sometimes I think about marriage, and even if it isn’t marriage, I think about the relationships in my life overall.  I have often been looked down upon because to me, if a husband and a wife are fighting, I do not mind if my wife would tell me to F off or I tell her to.  I figure that in the midst of our anger we say things that won’t normally be said.  To me, it wouldn’t take much to forgive such a statement and we move on.  Now, most, if not all of you probably agree with the other folks that this is an extreme and is quite hurtful to say – aren’t you glad that I don’t speak to you like that then   But to me, a much much more hurtful thing for a wife or even a friend to ask me (not even a statement, but rather a question) is “Do you love me?”

For my wife or friends or whomever to doubt if I truly love them would pain me beyond words because if that person truly did question my love, then obviously I must have done something to really screw up.  Some of you might think, “well, they might ask you that if you spoke to them with the language you wrote above” and in my line of thinking, just because I tell someone to F off doesn’t mean I stop caring for them, I just don’t agree and want them to leave me alone.  And I am not saying that it is right, just that it isn’t the worst thing someone can say to me – that is all.   Anyway, back to the point that if someone truly questions my love for them, then I think I would truly be hurt.

But I can’t help but to think that that is the simple yet complex question that Jesus/God would ask each of us in our lives.  Do you really love me?  As I live life I find myself going farther away from God only to redevote myself at the end or beginning of each day.  I can’t help but wonder how many times can I abuse Grace before it is taken away from me?  Now, all of this really depends on your theological beliefs about salvation, but still, I don’t think one can not help but to think about it even if for a moment.  How many times will God be hurt by our actions and we continue to try to do things ourselves?

One thing I have noticed in relationships that I have been hurt in – I want the other person to hurt just as much as me, and I will do anything – just about anything to make sure that, that is what happens.  I have acted out against God multiple times out of anger towards Him just to prove a point.  The problem I am running into each time…it just seems to hurt me twice as much.  Even when I hurt a friend on purpose to get back at them, I seem to feel twice as much guilt – first for being angry in the first place and then second trying to get revenge on that person.

So how do we stop hurting ourselves? Each other?  I don’t know.  I don’t know what the answer is…maybe grace…forgiveness…forgetfulness…I don’t know.  But I do know this – more hurt, revenge, isn’t going to solve the problem.  Justice, human justice doesn’t ease the soul truly in the long run; just in the short term.  Maybe somewhere also love fits into the picture. 

Do you really love me?  It hurts like hell….

I had a dream last night.  I guess it wasn’t a dream, but rather a nightmare, but I woke with hope.  Let me explain – it was set during war times.  The details are blurry, I don’t really remember them.  All I remember is that I was at a gathering with all types of folks there – no particular reason, but there they were around me at some kind of celebration.  Then all of sudden, we were attacked.  Sirens were going off and it was war time.  People were crying because they were afraid, they didn’t know what was going to happen.

And there I was, never knowing any type of volience at all.  Panic struck my heart into a racing mode that made me sit down as I heard the sirens again.  I didn’t know what was going to happen next.  It was all blurry and people around me were fighting.  I knew that I was in some distant land, that this couldn’t be America.  Not our America, but it was…

I am sick of hearing about “us” in America.  I am tired of thinking America is God’s Kingdom that we need to spread.  The gospel isn’t the Constitution of America and while I love this country, I do, I don’t think it is the best thing out there.  I don’t think it is our God-given right to go around thinking we have a say on what others do.  I believe when you get down to it, I believe that Americans are no better in the sight of God than any one else in the world.  We all fall short of the glory of God.  So I ask, what is America doing to promote God?

So I was sitting there, listening to people fight until I spoke.  I had enough.  I asked them if we couldn’t have peace in the midst of all our fighting.  And that is what people did.  They started moving tables together.  Some people left, but most came together and talked about things that they could agree on – even if it was the weather. I soon awoke and moved on with the day, but I can’t keep thinking about it.  When the people moved the tables together, all of sudden their was community.  There was a goal that everyone was working towards.  And things didn’t seem so bad. 

Maybe we are letting our elections divide us too much.  Maybe instead of fighting with who is right, or even who we are voting for, we should focus our attention on how we are spreading the Word of God to others.  How are we showing our brothers and sisters Christ?  Are we truly being loving or are we just focusing on ourselves and our own lives.  I am as guilty as any one else, but maybe during times of divison, it takes someone to speak out to create unity.  Maybe it was a warning for what could happen if I don’t love others…

Whenever I think of snakes I think of Indiana Jones and the classic line of “I hate snakes!”  I think many people share his dislike for snakes, and when I am not prepared to see one, I too feel the same way.  So yesterday, a friend of mine and I were walking through the woods to enjoy the great day that was happening when all of sudden he yelled my name.  I knew by the tone of his voice that something was wrong so I turned around.  I asked him what is wrong and he told me that I had stepped on a snake.  I froze, not even wanting to look down, and then asked him calmly, am I still stepping on it.  His reply had me jumping away from my current location and then hitting him several times for letting me just stand there like an idoit.  As I looked to the spot where I previously stood, there was a little (very little) green snake.  Soon my fear left me and I realized that a snake that size wasn’t going to do anything to me.  Then I started playing with the little guy that eventually led him up into a small thin tree. 

As I think about our hike, I think that is how moments change our paths in life happen.  Here we were, a friend and I, just casually walking through the woods.  We weren’t out looking for snakes, and we really had no desire for such a crossing, but it happened and I still can feel the pounding in my heart whenever my friend told me I will still stepping on it.  Events in our lives that change us seem to just happen.  They can’t be explained and though we may regret their happenings, we can deny that the event took place.

So where does that leave us when such event happens?  I don’t know.  Maybe it leaves us facing a new direction, or at least looking at the world we live in differently.  I know for the rest of the hike, my eyes rarely left the ground making sure that no more snakes would give us a scare.  I don’t think it ruined the trip, in truth, it enhanced it.  My friend and I will always remember that story – how stupidly scared each of us were and the good laughs over a scary moment.

Maybe even though you are going through a difficult time, there is a point where you will be able to look back and have good memories over something – even if it seems at the time to be your darkest hour.  I think that is the miracle God plays in our lives.  We don’t know it at the time, but maybe…just maybe, not all snakes are bad…