Exploring the Seasons Moment By Moment

Sometimes I think about marriage, and even if it isn’t marriage, I think about the relationships in my life overall.  I have often been looked down upon because to me, if a husband and a wife are fighting, I do not mind if my wife would tell me to F off or I tell her to.  I figure that in the midst of our anger we say things that won’t normally be said.  To me, it wouldn’t take much to forgive such a statement and we move on.  Now, most, if not all of you probably agree with the other folks that this is an extreme and is quite hurtful to say – aren’t you glad that I don’t speak to you like that then   But to me, a much much more hurtful thing for a wife or even a friend to ask me (not even a statement, but rather a question) is “Do you love me?”

For my wife or friends or whomever to doubt if I truly love them would pain me beyond words because if that person truly did question my love, then obviously I must have done something to really screw up.  Some of you might think, “well, they might ask you that if you spoke to them with the language you wrote above” and in my line of thinking, just because I tell someone to F off doesn’t mean I stop caring for them, I just don’t agree and want them to leave me alone.  And I am not saying that it is right, just that it isn’t the worst thing someone can say to me – that is all.   Anyway, back to the point that if someone truly questions my love for them, then I think I would truly be hurt.

But I can’t help but to think that that is the simple yet complex question that Jesus/God would ask each of us in our lives.  Do you really love me?  As I live life I find myself going farther away from God only to redevote myself at the end or beginning of each day.  I can’t help but wonder how many times can I abuse Grace before it is taken away from me?  Now, all of this really depends on your theological beliefs about salvation, but still, I don’t think one can not help but to think about it even if for a moment.  How many times will God be hurt by our actions and we continue to try to do things ourselves?

One thing I have noticed in relationships that I have been hurt in – I want the other person to hurt just as much as me, and I will do anything – just about anything to make sure that, that is what happens.  I have acted out against God multiple times out of anger towards Him just to prove a point.  The problem I am running into each time…it just seems to hurt me twice as much.  Even when I hurt a friend on purpose to get back at them, I seem to feel twice as much guilt – first for being angry in the first place and then second trying to get revenge on that person.

So how do we stop hurting ourselves? Each other?  I don’t know.  I don’t know what the answer is…maybe grace…forgiveness…forgetfulness…I don’t know.  But I do know this – more hurt, revenge, isn’t going to solve the problem.  Justice, human justice doesn’t ease the soul truly in the long run; just in the short term.  Maybe somewhere also love fits into the picture. 

Do you really love me?  It hurts like hell….