Exploring the Seasons Moment By Moment

Sometimes I think about marriage, and even if it isn’t marriage, I think about the relationships in my life overall.  I have often been looked down upon because to me, if a husband and a wife are fighting, I do not mind if my wife would tell me to F off or I tell her to.  I figure that in the midst of our anger we say things that won’t normally be said.  To me, it wouldn’t take much to forgive such a statement and we move on.  Now, most, if not all of you probably agree with the other folks that this is an extreme and is quite hurtful to say – aren’t you glad that I don’t speak to you like that then   But to me, a much much more hurtful thing for a wife or even a friend to ask me (not even a statement, but rather a question) is “Do you love me?”

For my wife or friends or whomever to doubt if I truly love them would pain me beyond words because if that person truly did question my love, then obviously I must have done something to really screw up.  Some of you might think, “well, they might ask you that if you spoke to them with the language you wrote above” and in my line of thinking, just because I tell someone to F off doesn’t mean I stop caring for them, I just don’t agree and want them to leave me alone.  And I am not saying that it is right, just that it isn’t the worst thing someone can say to me – that is all.   Anyway, back to the point that if someone truly questions my love for them, then I think I would truly be hurt.

But I can’t help but to think that that is the simple yet complex question that Jesus/God would ask each of us in our lives.  Do you really love me?  As I live life I find myself going farther away from God only to redevote myself at the end or beginning of each day.  I can’t help but wonder how many times can I abuse Grace before it is taken away from me?  Now, all of this really depends on your theological beliefs about salvation, but still, I don’t think one can not help but to think about it even if for a moment.  How many times will God be hurt by our actions and we continue to try to do things ourselves?

One thing I have noticed in relationships that I have been hurt in – I want the other person to hurt just as much as me, and I will do anything – just about anything to make sure that, that is what happens.  I have acted out against God multiple times out of anger towards Him just to prove a point.  The problem I am running into each time…it just seems to hurt me twice as much.  Even when I hurt a friend on purpose to get back at them, I seem to feel twice as much guilt – first for being angry in the first place and then second trying to get revenge on that person.

So how do we stop hurting ourselves? Each other?  I don’t know.  I don’t know what the answer is…maybe grace…forgiveness…forgetfulness…I don’t know.  But I do know this – more hurt, revenge, isn’t going to solve the problem.  Justice, human justice doesn’t ease the soul truly in the long run; just in the short term.  Maybe somewhere also love fits into the picture. 

Do you really love me?  It hurts like hell….

I had a dream last night.  I guess it wasn’t a dream, but rather a nightmare, but I woke with hope.  Let me explain – it was set during war times.  The details are blurry, I don’t really remember them.  All I remember is that I was at a gathering with all types of folks there – no particular reason, but there they were around me at some kind of celebration.  Then all of sudden, we were attacked.  Sirens were going off and it was war time.  People were crying because they were afraid, they didn’t know what was going to happen.

And there I was, never knowing any type of volience at all.  Panic struck my heart into a racing mode that made me sit down as I heard the sirens again.  I didn’t know what was going to happen next.  It was all blurry and people around me were fighting.  I knew that I was in some distant land, that this couldn’t be America.  Not our America, but it was…

I am sick of hearing about “us” in America.  I am tired of thinking America is God’s Kingdom that we need to spread.  The gospel isn’t the Constitution of America and while I love this country, I do, I don’t think it is the best thing out there.  I don’t think it is our God-given right to go around thinking we have a say on what others do.  I believe when you get down to it, I believe that Americans are no better in the sight of God than any one else in the world.  We all fall short of the glory of God.  So I ask, what is America doing to promote God?

So I was sitting there, listening to people fight until I spoke.  I had enough.  I asked them if we couldn’t have peace in the midst of all our fighting.  And that is what people did.  They started moving tables together.  Some people left, but most came together and talked about things that they could agree on – even if it was the weather. I soon awoke and moved on with the day, but I can’t keep thinking about it.  When the people moved the tables together, all of sudden their was community.  There was a goal that everyone was working towards.  And things didn’t seem so bad. 

Maybe we are letting our elections divide us too much.  Maybe instead of fighting with who is right, or even who we are voting for, we should focus our attention on how we are spreading the Word of God to others.  How are we showing our brothers and sisters Christ?  Are we truly being loving or are we just focusing on ourselves and our own lives.  I am as guilty as any one else, but maybe during times of divison, it takes someone to speak out to create unity.  Maybe it was a warning for what could happen if I don’t love others…

Whenever I think of snakes I think of Indiana Jones and the classic line of “I hate snakes!”  I think many people share his dislike for snakes, and when I am not prepared to see one, I too feel the same way.  So yesterday, a friend of mine and I were walking through the woods to enjoy the great day that was happening when all of sudden he yelled my name.  I knew by the tone of his voice that something was wrong so I turned around.  I asked him what is wrong and he told me that I had stepped on a snake.  I froze, not even wanting to look down, and then asked him calmly, am I still stepping on it.  His reply had me jumping away from my current location and then hitting him several times for letting me just stand there like an idoit.  As I looked to the spot where I previously stood, there was a little (very little) green snake.  Soon my fear left me and I realized that a snake that size wasn’t going to do anything to me.  Then I started playing with the little guy that eventually led him up into a small thin tree. 

As I think about our hike, I think that is how moments change our paths in life happen.  Here we were, a friend and I, just casually walking through the woods.  We weren’t out looking for snakes, and we really had no desire for such a crossing, but it happened and I still can feel the pounding in my heart whenever my friend told me I will still stepping on it.  Events in our lives that change us seem to just happen.  They can’t be explained and though we may regret their happenings, we can deny that the event took place.

So where does that leave us when such event happens?  I don’t know.  Maybe it leaves us facing a new direction, or at least looking at the world we live in differently.  I know for the rest of the hike, my eyes rarely left the ground making sure that no more snakes would give us a scare.  I don’t think it ruined the trip, in truth, it enhanced it.  My friend and I will always remember that story – how stupidly scared each of us were and the good laughs over a scary moment.

Maybe even though you are going through a difficult time, there is a point where you will be able to look back and have good memories over something – even if it seems at the time to be your darkest hour.  I think that is the miracle God plays in our lives.  We don’t know it at the time, but maybe…just maybe, not all snakes are bad…

I can’t hold it in any longer.  I am so pissed!  It still makes me mad just thinking about it.  I had such a great day and it ended so bad…because I let it, but still – AGGHHH!!!!  I screamed in a pillow I was so mad…yes, I took my sexy little head and drove it right in a pillow and screamed as loud as I could at 1:00 am in the morning on Saturday.  Friday night had been a blast.  I went to KC with a friend to see The Lion King (awesome…beyond words…and I wish I could just focus on that, but I can’t), and we ended up at his house where we met one of his lifelong friends.  Soon the conversation ended up talking about religion (of course) and I sat there is disbelief, sheer anger, and practiced more grace/mercy than I have in a long time.

He was reading a book by some dude that was more liberal in theology, and he was trying to convince my friend that non-Christians have to beware of such material because it is not bibically based.  His argument was if it isn’t in the bible directly, then it isn’t of God – what BS!  Sorry, I will try to finish the story before adding my input.  The author won’t that Satan tries to get us to be religious and we should beware not to become so; something I fully believe is true.  His argument was to find scripture that says it is bad to be religious or at least, where Satan is trying to get us that way.  HE WAS PRACTICING WHAT THE BOOK WAS TALKING ABOUT! (deep breaths…) He doesn’t think humans should trust their hearts or minds because both or corrupt.  My question would be, then what does God speak to?  But that is besides the point.  Midway through, after he quoted the book as saying that the story of Adam and Eve isn’t literal but metaphorical and how anti-Christian that was, I began to say that several very devoted Christians do believe that, but then I realized there was no point in speaking and let him be (even though I could crush him in thirty seconds I promise with his agenda…). 

After he left, I was pissed. I don’t hold in things very well as many of you know, I just wanted to scream, but was in an awkward position because he was a friend of my friend.  However, my friend knew how I felt on all of the topics being talked about and every time he would look at me, he could tell I was about to explode.  I literally had to cover my mouth with my hands to make sure that I didn’t say anything. 

This is the point of the story though, this guy’s faith is purely based off of what he can see and touch.  It isn’t faith – it is book knowledge.  The only faith he practices is that this book is true, after that, he is a blind follower (at least how I see it).  He wants to limit God into a book, and be his own interpreter of the text.  Creditials don’t matter to him (seminary, those who know Hebrew, Greek, or in general know what the hell they are talking about). And yet he is the “master” of faith.  He knows all because he compares it to “The Word” and that is the end all of God/faith/Christianity.  He doesn’t want true faith, he doesn’t want to explore and the unknown and the unexplorable.  He wants to stay safely in the comfort of his Bible and what it literally says – now that is BS and it pisses me off.

But I went to bed…eventually, and woke up the next morning.  I went to sit on the front porch with my friend and we just sat there rocking for a few minutes.  And then I noticed something.  On his side of the street there was a McCain/Palin sign in the yard, and directly across the street was a Obama/Biden sign.  And so I started speaking.

I told me friend that if he was creative and had a lot a camera he should take a picture of the two signs in the same shot.  Here on this side of the street, was one way of thinking, and then directly across the street was a very opposite view point.  However, both houses were in the same neighborhood and both families are still neighbors.  I think that is the way it is with Christians.  there are many blocks you can live in, many different sides of the streets, but overall, we all live in the Body of Christ.  Overall, we are still neighbors.  Maybe that is where the miracle lays.  Maybe that is where we see Christ at His best inside of us.  Yes, I got pissed when I shouldn’t have.  Yes, I screamed in a pillow.  But I remained quiet to other friend and shook his hand as he departed and wished him well – which I still fully mean with sincerity.  Maybe that simple act of love and patience will be passed on one day, and even if not, it was a good test for me.  Besides, it doesn’t really matter because no matter how much the friend wants to kick me out of heaven, he really doesn’t have a choice.  We are all still in one body…

I sat there.  My heart pumped.  Would they listen?  Do I really have to say anything?  What happens if they laugh at me?  Who am I to have a thought?  I am sure that you too have experienced such event.  It still happens to me every time I get ready to speak in front of a group of people.  Yes, believe it or not, I still get scared of what people will say.  I have said some pretty insightful, thought-provoking stuff in my day, along with arrogant, unthoughtful statements that left others thinking – what did he just now say?

Each time something comes to me and I feel led to say it, I know the feeling.  It is sheer neverousness.  And though I don’t know what causes it, I know how to solve the problem – by speaking.  I don’t know if what I said really changed anything.  In fact, if it did change anything you can kill me right here and now, but the point was that I spoke.  And even now as I sit here, I am okay no matter what people think because I said what I thought.  I had a voice and I used it.

Isn’t that what we get to do in our election?  (I really wasn’t planning on this direction for this post, but…)  It is our time to have a vote, to have a voice, and we must use it.  Liberals can’t be afraid of conservatives, and conservations can’t be scared to others.  Both parties need to open each other up and understand what the other is saying.  We each have a voice and can use it.  I don’t know if our individual voices really, in the long term matter to anyone or anything.  But I know this – that if we don’t use our voices, nothing will ever change.  One voice may not make the difference, but if that one voice is multipled by a thousand, soon things will begin to change.

So matter where you are, in a voting booth, or sitting in a day long meeting with a bunch of professors – speak your mind.  Say your thoughts and be proud of the guts it took to do so.  We will worry about content of what you say later, but for now, more people need to just speak.  I want to hear you.  God wants to hear you.  And that…that is worth opening your mouth for.

I like robes.  At least the kind that I am talking about – clergy robes.  I remember the first time I put on my very own robe.  It was December and I wanted to go for a walk.  Being outside brings me closer to God – no matter the season or time.  It was night time after a bad storm.  School may have even been cancelled because of the weather.  I know that I didn’t go into the office that day for one reason or another.  And so at 8:00 pm at night I found myself walking up to the church.  I remember listening to my MP3 player filled with Christmas music and looking at the clear sky and stars.  I may just love winter more than any other season, but the sky seems so much more crisp in the winter – much different the summer or fall skies.  I walked into my office, and there, on my desk was a package.  I knew it had to be my clergy robe that I ordered.  I opened it and put it on like a child with a brand new toy.  I still remember the weight of it on my body.  They are not cheap things, but rather made at high quality.  Whenever you walk with a robe on, you can’t help but to walk a little bit straighter.

But it wasn’t pride that was the reason.  It was the weight of the robe in the shoulders with all of the padding.  It was weight that reminded me each time I put it on the role that I had.  Sure I was just a youth pastor, but I was a pastor to someone, and more importantly I was there to walk with them, to share their joys and their sorrows.  The robe reminded me that I was carrying the cross on my shoulders and that is a role that shouldn’t be taken lightly.  And soon I became rather fond of wearing it. 

However, in the gospels we read about Jesus talking about robes with John the Baptist.  John didn’t have a soft robe to wear, and in fact, those who do wear soft robes live in palaces.  And so begins our discussion about if wearing a robe in service is a good thing or not.  You will find those who like it because it is about tradition and the role, and others who don’t because it creates seperation and authority when in truth we all fall short of the glory of God.  And you will find that the more current pastors out in the world keep their robes in the closet, using them only for those special occassions such as weddings or funerals. 

I do still like wearing the robe - I can’t lie, and I do know the reasons why.  But now, I can’t help but to think that the role pastors play can be expressed in so many ways, why does a robe matter?  Does it not go against what Jesus discusses in Matthew chapter 6 about living for the public to see instead of living for God in secret?  I don’t think Jesus would wear a robe.  I think Jesus would just have some blue jeans and a t-shirt that had a picture of The Simpsons on it.  Yes, I think he might even wear a ball cap, and team being the Angels of course! 

And so my robe safely remains in my closest in my bedroom, behind all of the dress clothes, behind all of the out of season clothes, next to my college graduation gown.  And it will be there that it safely stay until it is time to put it on again.  I don’t know when that will be, but until then…

I am still reflecting on my reading from yesterday.  Yesterday I focused on Forgiveness, today, I focus simply on community. This theme is coming up more and more in my life.  Community at the University, community with my online classmates, community within the church, community within my friends, and so forth.  It really is amazing how many different communities we are all in.  We are so divided in life no wonder it is easy to leave God out of some areas of life rather naturally – or actually, un-naturally.  How do we live in community?  What does a healthy community look like? 

I know I am idealistic, but I think that healthy community is filled with unhealthy people.  People who are broken.  My best relationships, my best friendships are full of fights and arguments and anger, but more importantly they are full of grace, love, and understanding that we are in this together.  My strongest friendships and relationships have had the biggest strains on them.  That isn’t to say though that other relationships didn’t fall apart, but the common element in those failing relationships is the lack of grace and love and desire to fight for that relationship. 

I used to hang around a bunch of acholics and drug dealers, and I now know why.  Because in the midst of that community was raw pain and hurt, and brokeness, but they weren’t afraid to talk about it.  Why would they be?  Everyone came from the same broken background.  Now, while they abused substances to run away from that pain which isn’t healthy, at least they knew they could trust each other.  Boy, was there drama all of the time.  Fights going on, but feelings were out there for everyone to see.  Stories were known and secrets – they were something that didn’t need to happen.  It was beautiful…until they all got drunk and I left them for their fun, but at the same time who they were…raw…was addicting to me.

And then I step into the “real world” – work force, church, wherever, and we start to hide who we are because we don’t have time to deal with such issues, but folks, it is who we are.  People in church are so busy  acting like they are “cured” because of God that they forget to show the rest of the world what struggles they are going through right now.  I am guilty of it.  Not many know my biggest issues because I want to look like I am together, but guess who I am hurting – me.  Me by not allowing myself to open up to a larger community and not be open to others.  God is a relational God (the Trinity) and so are we.  We are like our creator – we need people, but we lie to ourselves and hide in a corner like Adam and Eve not wanting anyone to see who we really are and our leaders encourage it!  I don’t believe that many of our pastors really want to know John Doe’s pain, his story – just his check and attendance.  BS!!!!!! A whole lot of BS!!!!!! 

True community is full of broken individuals who are accepted and used for their gifts and talents.  No, they aren’t allowed to stay the same, they are challenged to grow and to change from their less-than perfect ways, but at least they know they are loved by people and are not alone in the world.  And that is worth fighting for.  That is worth staying in church for (not really one to speak about this at the present moment but…).  That is the community that exists in God’s Kingdom and that is the community that I hope to one day be a part of.

I know that I haven’t been writing much, and to make an excuse, I actually have – through emails to selected individuals.  I remember one of my mentors talking about ol’ John Wesley and that he had his journals published – selectively, but published.  There may be periods in our lives where the world doesn’t need to see or hear our thoughts.  This has been one of those times.

A quick update on life, if you care – all is great.  I am teaching and really enjoy doing it at the college level.  I love just teaching three sections because it gives me time to do other things that are important to me.  Graduate school is going well.  I have signed up for next semester already, so I am hopeful that I will pass.  I don’t take anything for granted anymore though.  I have not been going to church and I am loving the time off.  It is important to me to reflect and be in soliditude.  I know that Wesley was against this (“For the bible speaks of no solidity religion” or something like that), but at the same time after stressing about church for so long, I got burned out on it.  The Missouri Review recently published warning signs of burn out and looking back, I met most of the signs.  I didn’t realize how bad I was until I have removed myself from the church setting.  Part of me is scared to go back, but I guess that is an issue I will be working out with God.  However, the more time goes on, the more ready I feel to get back into it.  I needed the lessons I learned from my first appointment - they were needed, but oh, how things change!  I am excited for myself (doesn’t matter if you are or not).  One day…one day I will be preaching…I will be pastor…may not last for a lifetime, but I will try it again.

So, I was reading this morning in my daily time with God about how forgiveness is a fundamental part of the Christian community.  I have a lot of forgiveness that I need to seek, but also to give.  I made lots of mistakes, and I take ownership in that, but now it is time to forgive others.  It is time to look past all the hurt and move on.  It isn’t easy, and I know that, but for our souls to heal, I believe we each need to do so. 

There are situations in our lives that mean we can’t actually go to the person we wronged and ask for forgiveness.  There are situations that mean we can’t get closure – people move away, die, or it just isn’t right to go to them; something in your gut tells you so.  But the need is still there.  I don’t know how to get rid of that feeling.  Maybe it will never really go away.  Maybe the key in these situations isn’t to get closure, but to get closer to God.  

If I believe that God can heal all pains, and God is the creator of all people, then is it so hard for me to believe that God can speak to those persons and mend their hearts as well as mine.  Do I as a person need that conversation, or will I settle with my faith in God that the Lord will take care of it?  I think I have to learn to settle that God will take care of it.  And that can be the hardest thing to cling to; however, it can also be the only thing that offers peace.

And those situations where I can go to a brother and sister and ask for forgiveness…I guess that is hard too, but needed.  It is never too late and it is never a waste of time.  That is what makes a community, a community.  Nobody is perfect, and we must remember that in our lives.  So let the forgiveness begin…