Exploring the Seasons Moment By Moment

This blog is a way of recording of who I am becoming in life.  It is no secret that I haven’t posted in a LONG time, and for that I am sorry.  My computer crashed in July and hopefully I will get it fixed by the end of the week, but it still remains a mystery to me.  Either way, I should have posted more this summer, but I didn’t.  And now, just like “time” would have it, I have it, summer is concluding.  To try to begin to tell you what all has happened, would be…well, impossible.  So many times Christians bash people in the bible because as we read the words, we say to ourselves, “Didn’t they get it?  Why did they do this or that??”  And yet, I wonder if years from now, we will do the same.  How many times do we have to learn the same lessons in life.  Why can’t we seem to get them the first time?  I just keep on asking myself the simple question (yet very complex answer) who am I becoming?

I wish life was easier than it is.  I wish that I had a very more answers than I do, but I guess that is what you spend your early 20’s doing – finding those answers by finding the right questions to be asked.  I feel like everything I did in my teen years was a waste, I was so limited back then – I am so limited now, but I am better than what I was.  I know that.  There is hope of improvement.  I just wish the process was more clear.  I also want to know how I turn out.  Will I be a bitter old man hating my life, or will I be a gentle soul with few cares knowing that God has me?  Will I know what it is like to love another with all of my heart, or will my heart grow cold?  Will I make my mentors proud, or will I fail them and God in becoming a loser?  Will I even make it past the age of 30? 

Sometimes I feel so powerless over who I am becoming.  I am on a path that in one quick moment, has directed me in a way that I regret now (in some areas).  In other areas I am happy with the direction I am going.  Either way, there are times that I sit in my room and think, “Is this where I am supposed to be?  Is this who I thought I would be at the age of 21?  Am I doing what I want?”  I don’t know the answers to any of those questions.  (And it sucks – a lot!!!)

So I go on.  I don’t know when my next post will be.  It may be tomorrow, or it could be three years from now.  Either way, I am becoming…someone…something…just not sure what.  Let’s just pray that I grow in the way of the Lord.  Let’s just pray that I become who God wants me to be…