Exploring the Seasons Moment By Moment

I am always trying to become better in life, which has its good points and its bad.  What sucks is that often I am too hard on myself.  However, at the same time, it is because that I am hard on myself that I am constantly trying to get better – in 10 different areas at one time.  I know that the true key to success is to pick one area and focus on it and then another, but it seems like if I do that, 75 years isn’t enough time, but then again, I guess that is why God offers eternity.

So I have made these lists…on paper, on my computer, and yes, even in my head of all the things that I want to change and improve on.  And where has it gotten me – not very far.  However, the things that are not that important I am doing great on.  I am finally taking time off and telling, even my boss, ”No” and am reading books on how to improve my ministry.  They say that people will appreciate you better if you have clear boundaries and can say “no”, and I am trusting that they are correct.  However, the truth of the matter is that I am not around to hear what people have to say – for better or for worse, so it REALLY doesn’t matter!!!  I did a crap load of work yesterday and am not feeling bad that I haven’t made it into the office yet even though it is 11:00.  I have organized my new office (we moved in last spring, but due to student teaching, I literally just through everything in my space and made it look nice), and updated my calendar – since May!!!  I still need to do some other personal things to get totally comfortable with where I am, but with all of the changes happening so fast (literally in a week I went to living one way to living a completely different way in every way imaginable).  And yet, as I sit here being somewhat lazy, I find myself desiring to do more.  I can’t seem to find that balance of doing what I want without getting too burned out.  And so what ends up happening is I begin something, a desired habit, a new goal, a great book, and I slowly get burned out because I am in such a rush to “master” it that I don’t stick to it in the long run.

So how do we really stick to something?  A book that I am reading describes that we should strive above all else to keep falling deeper and deeper love with God.  Not to sound elementary, but how does one fall in love with someone/something that can’t be seen nor heard.  One cannot get to know the personality of God nor can they hear about what God is going through.  You are never apart, which if you want to talk about co-dependent relationship in a marriage – try always being with your partner and never being able to have time with yourself or it is death…literally!!! (ah…my theological views…) 

Maybe our love for God isn’t like our love for other humans.  Maybe our love for God has to be deeper than that because it is rooted in faith.  Now we are getting really abstract here, and mind blogging for some, because in order to go much deeper (too deep for a blog post) we have to define with words, words like love and faith - both so rich with emotion and intuition that it is extremely hard to put mere words to describe them; and so I will let you think on all of this.   However, my question is this – is our love for one another human rooted in faith or is it rooted on preference or just merely, our love is rooted in love.  I don’t know if that makes sense, but then again, it all goes back to how do you define these words.  And if you are confused, don’t worry, others will be too.  You are not the only one, and so I better stop now, while I may or may not be ahead.

The whole point folks is this, sticking to something is hard.  It is difficult.  And falling in love with God (which is the most important thing to stick to doing), continuing on that path is hard.  But both require faith.  Faith that what we are doing today will make a better tomorrow.  For faith like that can truly move mountains.  May you stick to everything that you want to do. 

Ps- My next post won’t be so confusing…

In my previous blog, I mentioned a lesson that I learned while attending a recent Royal’s baseball game.  I would like to address the second one, and again, for many of you, it won’t be surprised at the actions that were displayed. 

There we were, the Royals about to win, and then everyone got up from their seats.  The anticipation was building (well, for those that cared…), heart was racing…eager to experience the next few minutes as if their lives depended on it and then it came…a yell so loud…so passionate “Let’s go Royals…Let’s Go!!!!!”  I could hear the enthunisism in this man’s voice, and I began to ponder, “why don’t we seem to do the same for God?”  (yes, my mind was in thinking mode the entire time I was there…)

I just got back from a big church meeting for the state of Missouri and the big theme was “grow” and “dying churches”.  And yet, the “answers” to our problems weren’t answers at all.  They were lacking…in spirit, in love, in hope, in everything that is Christ-like.  What would happen if we would have a church where people stood and shouted for Christ?  What would happen if our anticipation grew to experience the Spirit in a new way, in a new ministry?  What would happen if our eyes weren’t cast down, weren’t even cast on each other, but only cast on Christ?  I promise you that the Royal fans in the stands weren’t looking at each other, and yet they were aware they were alone.  There was this sense of community that reached beyond themselves.   It reached into their spirit.

They knew what they wanted – a winning game.  They knew they were in it together – all thousands of fans.  They knew that it was either do or die, but die couldn’t possibly enter into their minds at this point, all any good fan could think of was “Win, Royals! Win!!!”  All any good fan could do was not to come up with answers, not to yell out a play, but rather just yell out, “GO!!!”  All they could muster in that moment was a simple…praise statement.

And so here we are in the life of the church, our anticipation building and it is do or die, and what do we yell out?  Is it praise unto God?  Is it encouragement for one another?  No, instead it is fear and “grow” formulas and things we are doing wrong, and things we hope will improve the situation.  Instead of looking at God and praising at all cost…we are looking at each other, telling each other what we each should be doing.  We are in the ball field, but are completely missing the game that is all around us.  We are so focus on us and each other, our eyes aren’t sharp enough to even see the field. 

May you see “the game”, the truth of what is going on in your life.  May you realized that the only thing that truly matters is God and may you always shout praises to the Lord.  Don’t worry about the person next to you for this moment, don’t worry about yourself even…just focus on the one that truly matter – Christ.

Yesterday I went to a Royals game with my fellow staff members and as I entered into the mega dome with thousands of people, my heart begin to slowly be overwhelmed.  I enjoy people as much as the next person; however, too many overload my brain.  I can’t keep up with it all and then when you realize that the God that you pray to so initimately to is also their God…well, it makes one seem much smaller and our God much much much larger. 

And so I saw many things. Too many  really as I thought of everything that I could write about.  But the thing that still sticks in my mind (actually there are two and I may come back to write about the other one), is when an umpire called a play against the Royals.  Now what happened wouldn’t surprise anyone who is familiar with sports.  In fact, if there was any other type of reaction, I would question the loyality of the fans.  And so there we were, all thousands of us, and a group started to boo.  This deep, painful, hurtful boo came from the crowd and I wondered two things 1) Is this what Christ heard while on the cross?  and 2) Does the umpire hear this; does the guy realize that he is the reason for this boo and people are literally booing him (or rather his decision on the play)? 

I feel like we get booed a lot in ministry.  Here many of us are serving our folks the best we can, and often times the response we get is a loud “boo”.  I can’t imagine what it must have been like for Christ when, in his hardest, most painful hour, to add to the physical burden of hearing people booing him.  It must have made him weep – inside if not out. 

I know that I wept for the poor umpire and I wanted to go to him and tell him, “Good job at standing your ground.”  I know that he probably would have looked at me like a freak as this is part of his job, but at the same time, anyone that gets publicly booed- it has to hurt on some level.  And yet, with great strength, he continued on.  I wonder if that is what we clergy have to do whenever someone doesn’t like what we do.  We listen to it and then we move on.  He didn’t even address it, he resumed the game and the Royals did end up winning.  Maybe that is how it is in ministry – people will boo at us at times, but that doesn’t prevent us from losing in the long run.  That doesn’t prevent God’s grace from coming down and blessing our ministries.

So while my fellow staffers were…concerned?…about my unusual quietness, God was teaching me all kinds of lessons that day at the ball field.  May we not boo each other in life, but may we love each other though our differences and disagreements.  So you may have a different opinion, or you may feel cheated in life, that doesn’t stop the love of Christ towards you and it shouldn’t stop your love to others.  May we not hear the boos in our lives – or at least let it affect you.  May you be strong and bold in all of your actions and may you know that God never boos.  God never makes us feel less than and God never makes us feel guilty – at least I don’t think so, we make ourselves feel guilty. 

And next time you are at a baseball game, I would beg you, even if your team loses, not to boo – not even for a second because remember, next time, it could be targeted at you…

I admit it.  It takes awhile for me to open up.  There is no denying it.  I keep things bottled up and I don’t want to talk about it with many.  This is not a personal attack on anyone, it is just me.  I know why I am like this, and quite frankly, I don’t care to tell you, a random reader or even a friend of mine why.  It isn’t for everyone to know what I am thinking or how I am feeling in life.  However, I have a select few, and by few, I do mean few, that I trust – maybe 5 people…and that is a BIG maybe. 

So I am at a huge church meeting for my demonation and it has its great points, and then it has its not so great points.  The entire thing made me…well…lots of things – overwhelmed, angry, exhausted, sad, excited, enthusied, fired up, and ready to go.  As you can tell, the former and latter emotions are quite contary to each other.  I was pulled inside thirteen different directions and I couldn’t keep up. I couldn’t help but to clam up into my shell and think…and think…and think some more. 

But then I met with one of my close friends/mentors in life.  And it was a blessing from God.  I was asked by my senior pastor what the “magic words” were that were spoken to me that made me feel better.  I didn’t go into detail at the time, but the truth of the matter…no matter what the words were, the message was…”you are ok”, “you are loved”, ”I love you”. 

It is sad that our culture and “the voices” keep telling us that we are less than, not good enough, and the truth of the matter is…it is all a lie.  Yes, it is a lie! And yes, sometimes I need to hear by someone that knows me that I am “ok” and things will be “already”.  I have on my phone a text message that reads “I am so proud of you” that I received when I finished student teaching that I refuse to delete.  In fact, my phone only can store 100 messages and when it gets close to it, I delete other messages off.  This simple phrase gets me through.  Someone, representing God, is proud of me.  Someone values what I have to say.  Someone values me.  Someone really cares if I stop breathing.  This means something to me.  This is special to me.  This is more important than money or success or fame or ego.  This means that I have been accepted with all of my flaws and faults.   With all of my less than qualities.   

It was the words of a friend that gave my soul relief.  It wasn’t that he had some magic words.  It wasn’t that he solved my problems – in fact, upon reflecting on it, he actually gave me more questions than answers.  And it wasn’t that he built me up.  The only message he gave me was that I was accepted for who I am today and not of the promise of who I am tomorrow.  That is the message I think we need to hear more. 

If my friend (or anyone in my closed circle) is reading this – thank you.  Thank you for putting up with an ass like me.  Thank you for telling me in each of your special ways that you love me.  Not because of what I can offer to you or how I do (for better or for worse).  I love you like siblings and would do anything for you.  You are what makes life worth it.  You, my dear brothers and sisters, are who I would die for.  And may you know that you are in my prayers each day, and thought of constantly and are loved so much that some times it even hurts.  I love you.  You matter to me.  You are okay.  You are loved by so many and I am very blessed to even know you.

And to the rest of my random readers, may you hear these words from the Spirit – You are made in the image of the most high God who loves you completely and fully.  You are not perfect this day, but you are also not anything less than what God has created you to be.  You are loved and you matter and you make a difference every single day of your life.  Remember that the Lord your God has not forgotten you, but rather, it with you and holding you and is walking right next to you.  May you not know this in your mind, but rather feel it in your gut.