Exploring the Seasons Moment By Moment

Yesterday evening I went out to my Park of Escape and as I sat there read some of the good ol’ b-i-b-l-e, a bicyclist came riding by and then all of sudden stopped.  I didn’t know what he was doing, and because I am always afraid that I am going to mugged in the small town of mine, I keep my eyes down cast, but then I start to think a hundred thoughts.  Do I know him?  What does he want?  What is he doing?  He then brings to my bench a small turtle, not just any turtle, but the turtle I had ran into a few days ago.

A few days ago as I was walking down the cemented path (I didn’t want to venture out to the mudded paths), I ran across a turtle in the middle of path.  I was curious and while we played (and by we, I mean me, and by play I mean stand completely still to see if it would come out of its shell), I discovered that turtles are really scared creatures.  I have to admit that my knowledge on what turtles eat is lacking so though I wanted to show it my hospitality, the only thing I could do is stand there in awe that nature had ventured out and is crossing my path.

Later that day, in the evening time I went to see if the turtle had made any progression (and if I stood still long enough, could I see it).  I couldn’t find it (afraid to give it a gender) and thought that the turtle hopefully is safe and well somewhere in the world.  And with that, my idea of seeing this little creature left me. 

But here we were two days later, and only a few feet apart.  For the gentleman that stopped had laid the turtle on the other side of the park bench.  He told me that there was no need for this little guy (he made the gender, not me) to get hurt because he wasn’t hurting anyone himself.  I agreed.  And so here on this particular evening sat me, reading, and on the other side a turtle in its shell.  I had given up on ever being able to completely see him and thought that I should loose all of my expectations.

But after a few minutes, ten-fifteen, I saw the eyes, and then the feet.  Now the bench is a mental one with holes everywhere and so the little animal had a fun time trying to make out where or what it was on.  And then, as if it could read my mind, the turtle turn 360 degrees and saw the little feet, and yes, even the tail.  The turtle had done it, it had done what I wanted it to do since a few days ago.  The creature even bowed it head over the edge of the bench to see how far down it really was.  I took the hint and gently moved it to the safe ground where it once again, went totally into its shell. 

And so I looked up into the heavens and said, if this has a point, I don’t get it. I don’t understand.  And I am not saying that I still do get it, but one point that is more clear is this.  We all are walking on a path, and we run into people in our lives and we ”play” or rather interact with one another, and then we move on.  Sometimes we go looking for that person and they are no where to be found.  And then, one day when we least expect it, we may just bump into each other again.  Goodbyes are never really “goodbyes” nor is our time together forever over.  It is just a movement on the path.

Will this turtle and I ever see each other again?  I hope so.  One day.  Maybe when I least expect it.  Maybe when I go looking for it, I don’t know.  But I have to have the faith that no matter what, that little ol’ turtle is havin’ a turtle-of-a-time and that I…that I too will be ok.

With more free time on my hands, and the fact that this past semester I spent all day in the classroom, I am spending more and more time outside.  There is a local park that has received my full attention and I go there several times a day.  I find myself less distracted at such a place, no temptations, and no one but me and God.  But…technically…there are a few others.  Others that I didn’t anticipate.  Animals.

So far my trips as allowed me to see the occusional snake, deer, dog, frog, too many bugs to mention, turtle, squirrels, raccoon, and some rather jumpy birds.  As I find myself deep in this wooded area, my heart begins to race.  What happens if a fox jumps out and starts to growl, or a snake bits me as I casually walk by.  Soon, in the middle of no where, I find myself scared.  I can’t help it, too many of those damn Discovery Channel shows of how nature screws people over.   I am waiting to come across that killer bee hive and be attacked by hundreds of bees.

The path is being covered by long weeds.  The actual path is still there, but what lays below is a mystery…a mystery that I hope will remain that way.  I don’t want to know what creatures could be lurking around, at least creatures that could bring me harm.

And so it seems that my walks in nature are even a test of faith.  Do I have enough faith to venture out for an hour or two and pray that I don’t die a horrible death?  Do I have enough wisdom to realize that the death rate for this particular park is possibly so low that it makes jumping out of an airplane safe?  I guess there are a lot more dangerous things that I could be doing in life.  However, I still find myself scared.

The answer is simple…faith…faith in nature.  You can not escape the need for it. We must practice putting our full faith in Christ if we are to do anything in life, even as simple as walking.  But it can seem scary.  Trust me, I know.  Doubts can flood your mind and voices tell you the “what if” game.  Soon you can be so concern about the negative possiblities that you forget the postitive ones. 

I challenge you.  I challenge you, in those moments your heart starts to beat fast, and you don’t know what is going to happen, to take another step leaning on the staff of God.  May you come to know that you are loved by God and that the Lord, while it appear so, will never leave you.  May you come to trust the Lord’s Spirit.  And no matter how many things seem to get in the way, snakes, turtles, even the smell of skuck, may you trek on because where you are headed is better than where you are now. 

May you try to take a walk in Nature today…

I was speaking with a new found friend yesterday and he began to describe to me the “wrath” of God.  I have found a new excercise of asking and listening instead of asking and talking – it is a better balance in life.  As I listened to him explain how this god works, my friend seems to be under the notion that God is just sitting up there with a ruler just ready to punish.  Now my friend finds comfort in this because “only a loving god would care that much to discipline us to make us grow.”  And yet, I pray to God, that this not be truth.

No, I don’t believe in a god that is just sitting up there ready to bring fire and brimstone down on us at any moment (though I realize that it could be the case).  I do not think that is the message Jesus brought.  I don’t think that is the Father Jesus knows. 

I know that if I walked into the classroom just ready to yell at my students, guess what was going to happen that day?  I was going to yell at my students.  I would find anything, something, just to get them to feel my wrath that I wanted to project on…someone.  Often times it was totally misguided and I am lucky they didn’t kick me out of school, but my frustrations with other educational areas affected…some days…my discipline in the classroom.  However, if I walked in and loved each of my students (yes, I did have one particular class…), I would give suggestions or ask questions like, “Do you really think that is a wise choice?”  or “What would you do in my shoes?”  Often the result was the same, they stopped doing what they were doing and did something else.  They knew that I really did love being their teacher and so they behaved for me…or at least would behave once asked to.

How much more loving is God towards us than I was to my rather unknown students (besides the fact that I knew their names)?  I think that God is really our biggest fan who isn’t really there to smack us if we do wrong, but rather sitting up…down…somewhere…asking our souls, “Do you really think that is a wise move?” 

And so my new friend struggles things with “sin” and “rapture” and constantly correcting himself.  I struggle with how to love people and spread the Kingdom of God or what is God trying to teach me in different situations.  I am not so much concerned with condemnation as I am with redemption and the Lord’s love and how to pass that on to others.

However, I am sure that someone out there totally disagrees with me, and feels like I may just burn in hell for all eternity because my focus isn’t the second coming or how sinful I am.  And that…is okay…because I believe we each have different passions and thoughts and we that freedom through the grace that God grants to us.  Grace…amazing stuff…

May you not be so concerned about the great big ruler in the sky, but rather the love that is poured down upon your soul each day.  Life is too short to always be scared of your sin, or of what lays around the corner of life.  Life is too short to always be looking around your shoulder for signs and thinking “Is this it?”.  Jesus will come…one day…and it will be…hopefully…a good day.  Until then, I would rather sit back and enjoy the ride of life with God and worry some other day about the Lord’s Wrath…

For a while now I have known a little secret…a weakness on my part.  It is that I have a limited vocabulary in life.  Yes, words nor language has ever come real easy for me.  If you know me at all, you know that I like to talk, that is no secret, but it isn’t because I necessarily like the sound of my own voice.  In truth, I want to communicate the best that I possibly can with other people my ideas.  If you don’t have a big enough word bank, well, you simply find yourself talking twice as much.  So, what to do about this problem.

I have a friend/mentor in life that, as she puts it, is a “word nerd”.  One day someone will have to explain to me the labels that we put on people and others.  To me, understanding language is not a negative attribute nor should anyone be given labels with negative connations.  Anyway, I asked her for her advice on how to expand my limitness…if that is even a word, it escapes my knowledge, but at the same time, never what that to be how people remember me – limited or small minded.  She suggested that I work on crossword puzzles; a good way to see different patterns that words have, both in sound and form.  She also recommended for me to sign on to a “word of the day” email listing.  Well, in effort to expand my vocab, I have failed miserably.

So, while thinking of ways people learn, I remembered that a friend of mine had what is referred to as a “dictionary pen”.  It is a small scanning device that lets you scan a word or phrase and a small screen on its side will define the word.  I started researching into getting myself one of these as one of my goals this summer is to read higher level books (and I will not know all of the words in some of these books I have).  And so I am the proud new owner of an electronic dictionary.  I didn’t go with the pen because I would have to scan in the word, whereas, with the electronic dictionary I will just be able to type in a word to find its definition. 

Now, don’t expect to find bigger and longer words on this thing as many educators know, it takes a while for something to really sink into our daily routines and for words to become a part of our everyday word bank.  But it is a step in the “I’m growing into the person I want to be” catargory.  Now, I do not know how long it will last, or even I will even really learn something from it, but I do know that we can move forward without taking a few steps.

And that is the all life is.  If we are depressed, if we are sad, if we are just unhappy, nothing is going to change it unless we take a few steps forward – which can be the hardest part.  But once we get going…it gets easier (that will be my next post).  But it is important that each of us stop making excuses for why we are putting a halt to progression in our lives, and pray to God that the Lord makes me move forward. 

So, today, Tuesday – first day back to work for many – may you take a step or two in a forward matter.  Be it from helping that co-worker no one can stand or from refraining from gossiping over the latest news article about famous celebrities who make poor decisions.  (Please do not ever let me hear you bash any of these celebrities as I can’t imagine how hard it must be to live in the public eye 24/7.  We some times act like they should be perfect, and yet, I bet that if you had a camera following you all of the time, there would be some unpleasant ones and news that comes out.  I know at least for me there would be – sorry a little peeve of mine)    Anyway, may God bless you with the strength to continue on and not be weighed down by the hardships of life.  May God show you the path that the Lord wants you to follow, and may you have enough faith to begin without knowing the end result.  And may I, in my small efforts, begin to grow a larger vocabulary…

Well, it isn’t easy.  Letting something or someone go.  I am having problems with letting go of the past.  Today isn’t what it was yesterday, and I hate to bum me out even more, but tomorrow isn’t going to be like it is today.  Damn it! (Can I say that on my own blog??  Well I guess I can and if you want to convict me now…well…I say a lot worse in every day conversation)  I don’t want to let go.  I want to go back to it was like at this time or that time.  But as hard as I try, reality soon hits that it isn’t the past and I have to move forward.

I once asked a friend how she let things go and she told me she prays them away.  I find this like the white elephant…don’t think of a white elephant and soon it becomes the only thing that you can think of.  Praying for people or things only makes my mind stay with them/it longer.  And then I find myself obsessed over it.  Praying away seems like a good answer, but for me, only leads to thinking about it more.

My senior pastor told me that I am going to have to learn some way to dismiss things.  ”What will happen when you have that first death, or you see that first dead body.”  …Dead body…I didn’t sign up to look at dead bodies. I signed up to preach!! Too bad that isn’t the only requirement for this job.  But her point remains, somehow I am going to have to learn to let people and things go…for the betterment of myself.  (betterment? is that even a word??)

I am afraid of my future; what it will look like.  I don’t know what to expect or what I am planning on doing.  That is my problem, I want a detailed description of what I am going to do.  Today I will do this, tomorrow I will do that and it will lead to this answer…but I don’t have that and so holding on to the past is much more important and much easier too than facing the unknown future.

Side bar – unknown – funny word. Powerful word.  To be unknown, to explore the unknown.  It is exciting and adventurous and yet scary and worth crawling back into my hole for.  Humans fear the unknown like crazy – that is why we have racism I think and hate homosexuals.  Why are people made with different skin color than us, why do people have different sexualities?  We fear what we don’t understand.  

Anyway, I get off point.  So, letting go can be hard.  The irony is that there is no set place in history that I want to go.  It is a cumalation (spelling I know) of where I have been and people that I have met.  If I go back to this point, I wouldn’t have experienced this or that, and if I go to this point,  I wouldn’t have met this person, but if I jump to where I know that person, then I would have to say goodbye to the others.  And I find myself not content even in my own past.  So what do I do folks?  I am not happy living in my past because ultimately I am still away from people and things I desire, and I am not happy with the present.  Where do I go from here?

I think that is the blessing of the future…yes…the unknown.  I was praying a few days ago and God told me (a lot) to let things and people go.  That where I am now is only a pit stop, like every where we have been before and we still have many more places to go and people to meet.   Kinda like the Dr. Suess book, “Oh the places you will go.”  I think I will buy that today.  Yes, maybe it remind me that I am not meant (you aren’t either) to stay in the past, or the present, but always be moving towards the future. 

Don’t get me wrong though, we shouldn’t ignore the past or the present, but our focus cannot be set on either of them, but rather constantly looking at the bigger picture of both past and present to define where we are going tomorrow.  God has given me so many blessings and I have met so many wonderful people so why should I stop here.  Why should I tell God, “Nope!! This is where I get off.  I am happy here.”  When he is thinking, “Here?!?!?! Boy you should just want and see where we go in three or four stops!  Yes, the next couple won’t be the best, but just wait til we get a few miles ahead.  You comin’ or are you settling for this…place…where…I don’t think you will be happy for very long…”  I guess…letting go…is sometimes the only option that we have.

May you be happy and content wherever you are this day.  And if you are not, like me, may you come to realize the lessons God wants you to learn at the place where you stand.  There is always something to be learned about life no matter where we find ourselves.  Please come to know that you are a special gift of God and that God has far greater plans than you could ever have in mind.  (No, this isn’t saying you will be rich and famous, but rather, a better person)

PS – I know this is becoming more questions than answers, but that is the season I am in.

Ok, I know what you are thinking…want vs. need is something that I teach my high school students in business…I should know exactly what a want vs. need is.  But I find myself not knowing.  And I am not talking about material things.  Actually they are things like love, hope, faith, boundaries, growth, goals.  Do we need love or do we just want it?  Do we need hope or do we just want it?  This season has taken many friends away and I earnestly wonder…are they a want or a need?

I was talking to a friend last night and at the opportunity of a chance of going and visiting him, my spirit jumped a few feet.  However, in the course of the conversation, several other opportunities became available to him which may mean that I will not see my much “needed” friend.  And then he asked the question…”Do you really “need” to see me?”  Why must people put that word in a sentence?  “I am really busy, but if you REALLY need me, then I help you.”  Well, will the world end, will I die, will everything we know to be true, reality as we know it, crash down upon us – I don’t think so.  So in that sense, love, hope, faith, etc. is really a want. 

However, we are taught that we can’t have all of our wants.  Then again, the way God created us makes us “need” love, hope, faith, community.  Ahhh!!! I just confuse myself when I start down this path.  Is a want justified by saying “I need friends.”?  Is it a true need?  I baffle myself with my own questions sometimes. 

I think there is a need for relationships in our lives.  If there are educators out there reading this, and I am sure that there are, who is the guy that talks about meeting our psychological needs in a prymid?  (I misspelled that last word, I know, but am too lazy to look it up right now).  Well, if you didn’t know, there is a guy that talked about this and teachers care because before students can live they have to meet the basic needs of an individual – food, shelter, etc. And as one works their way up, they are more satisfied (I sure hope that I am getting this right).  I wonder if relationships are on that.  I wonder if the things God created us for is on that list. 

God wants us to be longing.  If that wasn’t true then we would be born perfectly content and greed and envy would be some distant concept.  But I think we have to be careful in what we “long” for.  Are we wanting the truth?  Are we needing love?  Are we wanting hope?  Or are we just running around with our heads cut off trying to grab anything and everything.

I don’t know what I leave you with – not much, just some thoughts.  So what did I answer to my friend on the phone…I told him that I wanted to see him, but didn’t need.  The truth be known though, I think it is a need (though I will never be able to convince him of it) because we were made by God for relationship.

May God give you the wisdom that I lack in understanding a want vs. a need.  May you come know what is truly needed in your life verses just merely what or who you want in your life.  May you not struggle with confusing thoughts today and may you not make such a lame post on your own personal blog/journal/conversations today.

Well, I am sitting in the dining area of where I live next to all of my stuff.  Yes, everything I have is taking up  approximately 12 tiles by 15 tiles.  Today, actually, it was scheduled for now, I am getting new carpet.  I keep learning about myself and even through new carpet, God seems to help reveal things to me.

When I first looked at my current place of living, I knew that I would need to paint and I was told the landlord that new carpet would placed down.  The problem was that I didn’t know when it would take place.  This made me excited.  Here I would be, recently graduated, my stuff a mess, struggling or rather living with the bare minimum and nothing to tie me down – just give me my laptop and underwear each day and I would be set!  This was it, this was going to be my time of living on my own, proving myself to me and to the world.  I stepped up to the plate, and guess what folks, I striked out.

All of my stuff was in boxes. I had no clue where anything was.  I would walk into my room and all I was reminded of was the choas of it all.  After stepping out into a world that is full of twists and turns, I need a place where I can come and relax and put my feet up.  I can’t do that personally when everything around me is a mess.  I can’t do that when I am tense and overwhelmed about where I am staying.  So what do I do?  I do the only thing a spoiled child does – calls mommy and daddy.  (However I do not address them as mommy or daddy as they both hate the terms for any one over the age of five) And so the folks came down and helped me get set up.  And boy were they needed.  I couldn’t have done it with out them.  My boss called, oh yeah, I was still working for the church too! and asked what is going on.  “My life is a mess! I have got to clean it up!”  She gave me grace, once again, and was very patient with me (and yes, she may read this so you bet I am saying a few good words .  My parents came and I was settled in for temporary purposes as I knew that a week later new carpet would arrive. 

So here I sit, once again, with all of my stuff in the middle of no-man’s-land waiting for yet another event to happen in my life.  But hopefully, after this, I will be able to settle in for a final time and begin focusing my time and energy on other things besides my room.  I hold dear the places that are my sanctuary because they are so few. 

And so I wonder if that is the way it is it our lives with other things.  How many times do we say, we’ll do this or that but whenever we have the time or whenever one mess gets cleaned up.  I couldn’t function in life.  Because of the choas of my stuff, I felt like I too was in such a mess.  Is this the truth?  Was something really preventing me from doing the everyday chores that life brings?  Or is it a personality defect that prevented me from seeing beyond the boxes?  “God, we will deal with that when everything works out.”  “God, I can’t think about that person because I already have too much on my plate.”  I have caught myself doing this many times these last two weeks.

May you realize that boxes and new carpet and life is always going to happen.  May you overcome this truth and continue on with doing the ministries (yes, more than one) God places in your hands.  Life is never pretty.  Things are never truly settle, and yes, even once I get totally moved in, there will still be much more to do as time goes on.  What my room looks like now will not be the way it looks in a year or when I move out.  That is the beauty of it all – after all new carpet is better than the old carpet that is already there.

I am mad.  I am angry.  I am so upset that things could go flying.  What am I so upset about?  This.  This simple blog.  This simple thing that you would think would be so easy to write on.  But for some reason I just can’t get in the habit of doing it. 

For those who are following my life, let me tell you a bit of what is going on.  I have graduated college, BS achieved, and now staying where I am for the time being, being a young pastor.  Seminary will come later.  Seminary will be there for awhile, and I have to grow up some.  I went from having my own apartment (solo) to moving into a room in a rather larger house (and yes, I said room).  It has been very difficult to compose myself as I slowly work on getting everything set up.  Originally I thought it would be a fun challenge to live out of boxes; however, whenever people started asking me about things, my life was in complete choas.  Tomorrow I get new carpet and after that, I can finally get things set up for the long haul.  I will be excited.  I like having my own space which I feel most comfortable in.  I like knowing where my things are – even if at times it looks like I don’t. 

So as I get moved in and my summer started, I have a lot of goals.  This being one of them. My best friend and I made a list of everything we wanted to do.  His list was composed of 10 items.  10 simple items.  Mine was composed of 30.  30 different things that I wanted to pick up.  He emailed me a few days ago and told me to “burn the list and never let it come back” (he knows me very well and knows that I probably will recreate it one day).  However, he was right, I have to burn the list of 1,000,000 things to do and focus on just each day.  Maybe this is the habit I pick up today, maybe it will be in a week.  I don’t know.

I have been going on walks every day and listening to sermons of various people.  It is a good habit with a lot of advantages – fresh air, excerise, and God’s word being fed to me.  I have enjoyed being in the great outdoors even though I have had to face dogs, snakes, and then there was that unknown movement in the leaves that caused me to run for five minutes not wanting to look back in case I saw a bear (I know there are very few if any bears in Missouri, however, you never know).   And so I am slowly but surely picking up my summer plans.  Who knows what I will succeed at and what I will fail at.  Who knows if this is just some idealistic dream that many people are reading this and that it really matters to anyone, anywhere.

So the question I have for you, the reader, (as this blog isn’t simply the daily happenings of my life, but rather a most thinking post) is what list(s) do you have in your life that seem unbearably long?  What secret list are you burdening yourself with?  And, if you are like me, are you kicking yourself in the foot because you can’t do any of it, or at least feel like you are completing any of it?  Many my friend’s advice is the solution – throw away the list.

We make lists so that we know what we are doing.  We make them so that don’t forget anything.  We make them so that we have some idea of where we are going – from life in general to the weekly trip to Wal-Mart.  We make lists to double check ourselves.  But sometimes lists can be flat out overwhelming.  And if they are, they really don’t help us at all.  I mean, what help is something that every time we think of it we think to ourselves, “I don’t even know where to begin.” 

So, in the few weeks that I have been trying to start to do some of these things on my list, I have learned a lot.  I have learned that it doesn’t matter if I have a list at all or if I just note one or two things that i want to do every couple of days.  It isn’t going to just come to me.  It is going to be work.  This blog is going to be work.  I am going to have to struggle with it and force myself sometimes to do it.  But in the end, I will be happier for it.  I will have stayed in contact with each person who reads this, which is the main intent, and have on record my thoughts at this very unique age in my early 20s.  (yes, as you can tell, I am old school and give as little details of my life as possible). 

May God calm me down and may I accept myself.  May you not get angry over uncompleted lists or feeling overwhelmed by all that you have to do.  It is okay and you will live either way.  The important thing is just to start with one thing and then just slowly work your way down the never ending lists of our lives.  Ok…I’m NOT so mad!

I wish that I could say that I was finished.  I wish that I could say that I have mastered it all.  But the truth is, the reality of life is that I have just begun.  So I have a nice little piece of paper now in my drawer saying that I have completed college.  So I have survived a hectic season in my life that was full of drama, twists and turns, and many other things.  What have I gained from it all?

I will be exploring that in my mind for months.  I don’t know.  I can’t say.  It doesn’t really matter that I don’t have all of the answers now.  But for the first time in my life, all expectations are gone.  Growing up it was just a known fact that after high school I was meant to go to college.  Any career that I was interested in needed a degree.  There was no way around it.  However, now that I have a degree, now that I have completed all that I have ever really planned to do, I find myself asking…what now?

It isn’t over.  This isn’t the conclusion of the story.  It isn’t even the last of my education.  But for now, another chapter is written.  For now, I have done a full day’s worth of work.  And now, I pray, can be a season of rest.  It can be a season of not knowing tomorrow but living today.  How long will it last?  What all will I do?  I do not know.  I have made a list of things that I would like to complete during this summer.  Things that I want to make as habits in my life, but in the end, God only knows what he has plans for me.

It is hard not to be depressed right now.  Many friends are gone for the summer.  Many of whom I consider family are gone and left me.  And a huge part of me wants to feel like this is the end.  Another part says, this is a new beginning.  This is a new beginning of being who I want to be.  This is a new beginning of discovering, refining, and defining my character, my nature, who I am destined to be.  (and yes, I do believe in destinity)

So today may God bless you with a new beginning in your own life.  May the Lord show you that there are always different paths that you can take in life all leading to different locations with advantages and disadvatages.  May you not stress about the everyday things, but celebrate the beauty of today.