Exploring the Seasons Moment By Moment

You know the feeling I have, right?  Come on you have to.  It is the feeling of accomplishment, a feeling that you achieve more than you ever thought possible.  I don’t know if I am alone in this or not, but today I completed about a week’s worth of work, at least what I thought would take me a week, and before we get all excited that I am a week ahead in life – it was last week’s work that I didn’t do.  Yes, I am well pleased with everything I did today, and yet I find the truth that it only brings me up to speed, not take me forward.  I wonder if I’ll ever feel “ahead of the game”.

I had a youth text me tonight and said, “I hate youth group, and I am never coming back.”  This didn’t surprise me.  It didn’t surprise me that there is yet another person that I am not pleasing in my line of work – no matter how much heart I put into it.  However, what surprised him was that I responded with, “well, what would you like to see?”  This conversation went on with no solutions given, but ended with me saying, “if you work with me, I’ll work with you.”  With his last reply, “ok, I’ll think about it.”

Now I have no clue if he will really think about or if I just lost another (yes, he wouldn’t be the first youth that I have turned off) youth to the style of my ministry (or the style of my choas would be a better description).  However, it was apparent that he didn’t expect my reply.  It was a beg to come back, and it wasn’t a dismissal of his complaint.  In fact, I validated it by saying we are all learning this year.  Tell me what you would like to see.  Now the problem I have with youth today is they don’t tell you flat.  My life would be much easier and simplier if they could just tell me what they are seeking.  But maybe I was the same way, you just know it when you see it (or experience it).  So I am on the journey of improvement, a journey that never ends by the way, and find myself doing something different this time – leaning on grace.

That is a difficult concept.  Last fall I put way too much pressure on myself to succeed on the first try.  So much so that I came crashing down to the ground.  Then a friend leant me a book about God’s grace and their own struggles in ministry.  Instead of trying to be the “perfect” pastor, they instead just lent on God’s eversaving grace and just did the best they could.  I have faith that Grace will even save me in this ministry.  I was cooking dinner tonight and even thought to myself, you know if ten years I’ll look back at what I did and laugh at all of my stupid mistakes and realize how I could have done things better.  While this does not comfort me now in the present, it is kind of nice to know that one day I’ll have enough knowledge and experience to be better.

But what to do about this upset youth?  Well, I guess I shouldn’t let it bother me too much as I was supervising a school dance Friday night and four of my youth (in fact every one of my youth there) came up and spoke to me.  Yep, they came up to me during a school dance, to a guy who was telling folks to cut out their “dancing” and bring it down a notch.  They came up and talked to the very unpopular “student teacher”.  Funny how some people can hate you, and yet others, well, they don’t hate you so much.

So may you realize that while it is hard to ever be “ahead of the game”, you are fine wherever you are.  May you notice God’s grace in your life in all the things that you do, and realize it is okay if you aren’t the perfect person or title.  God’s love is extended especially to those who don’t quite make it.  In fact, I am betting that it is one of His specialities.  May you realize that you are loved by many, no matter how many tell you that they hate something.  May you hold onto the light that one day, you will pass the path you are on.  May you always just lean on God’s grace…

LISTEN TO ME!  LISTEN TO ME!!  LISTEN TO ME!!!  Often times we all find ourselves shouting this inside to an empty audience.  We all have those people who seek our guidance, those situations where there is such an easy solution, or those times we just want to have a voice, and yet for some reason, no one seems to listen.  No one seems to care and we don’t understand why.  Are we not smart enough?  Are we not saying it correctly?  Are they just not listening? 

There are many reasons people don’t listen.  There are many reasons why we ourselves don’t listen to others.  I have heard the saying, “God gives us two ears and one mouth so that we can listen twice as much as we talk.”  And if you are like me, you probably don’t consider it very often.  Often times it is easier to use the mouth rather than to listen.  We don’t listen because we assume we already know what the other person has to offer.  We don’t listen because we don’t really care what they have to say, only that they listen to us.  I believe that we forget that talking, communicating, is a two way street.  In school I learned that there is always a reciever and a sender in effective communication.  Too bad we don’t have little signs around our necks telling the world what mode we are in that particular day.

I have a friend who is going through great stress work; however, the supervisors in the situation just don’t hear her.  I have attended several meetings where my words were a waste of time and breath.  If they would only listen to us, they may just learn something new.  If they just would listen to us, things could be better.  If only…right?

I wonder how much I miss because I want to do the talking.  I attended a staff meeting at the school and discovered the awesome power that listening can really have.  Do you realize all that happens around you?  Do you realize how much we miss out on whenever we are so engaged in conversation that instead of listening to what the people have to say, we focus on what we are going to say next?  I love sitting back and not saying a thing.  I love just watching people; however, my “supporters” as I call them (the people who like me on this planet) wish that I would speak up more.  However, it is all about balance.  I should adopt a rule of 3 – we should speak no more than 3 times a meeting.  That would really make us put value on what we say, wouldn’t it?  And the outcome just may be that someone will listen.

No matter if they listen or not, the important thing is that you speak up.  Don’t be afraid to say what is on your mind (within reason folks).  Sometimes it is the quietest person in the room that has the greatest message that needs to be heard.  We should value each other enough that we want to listen to others, just as we too want to be heard.

May you spend tomorrow listening to what others have to say.  May you receive more than you send, and what you do send – may it have great value.  The lessons we learn and take in only can happen when we take in everything that is around us.  Very few people respect a know-it-all and very few people ever listen to one.  Let us each truly hear one another…

Mr. Grumpy Pants.  That’s me.  Or rather that is my alter ego after 9 pm.  Yes, I was one of the rare kids who never fought going to bed.  I couldn’t wait to curl up inside my blankets, lay my sweet innocent face against my soft embracing pillow, and find myself in distant lands of great adventure and exploration.  I never understood, and still don’t, why people fight sleep.  I just know that if I stay up too late, I get grumpy – hint being the nickname I received upon entering college.  Don’t mess with me after 9.  If I like you, consider yourself one of my favorite people in the world because around that time, I turn into a monster of a different kind.

However, what happens when it isn’t 9 and I am still Mr. Grumpy Pants?  What happens when we focus purely on the negative and never look at the positive?  I can tell you what happens – you drain everyone around you.  You suck their life away, and eventually you will find yourself all by yourself.  What will happen is that the terror in which you speak will become a fast reality in which there is no hope.  Mr. Grumpy Pants is here to stay!

Life is difficult at the moment. I find myself involved in several dramas that I would love to get out of; however, the possibility of that happening is 0%.  I am stuck in the positions that I am in and I can either go screaming and kicking, or learn to live with it.  I wrote on here a few weeks about a book I am reading dealing with the metaphor of our relationship with Christ.  The main character, Much-Afraid, is traveling up to the High Places where the Shepard has promised her royality in the Kingdom of Love.  Her two companions for the journey are Suffering and Sorrow (I think I said Pain earlier…I was wrong).  I am now walking with suffering (sorrow at times) and it is killing me.  But just like Much-Afraid, I have to learn to deal with this companion and not let it overpower me.  If I do, then I will never reach the High Places nor the Kingdom of Love.  I must learn how to hold Suffering’s hand and not cringe at its sight.  This is much easier said than done.

I journaled yesterday night for three hours.  I had a lot (A LOT!) on my mind.  I know I need to journal to stay mentally healthy, but sometimes when you are feeling so good, you tell yourself it doesn’t matter - note: it always matters!! I wrote 15 pages! Like I said, I had a lot on my mind.  And as I wrote, it was painful to do (my hand was exhausted and I had to take several breaks), yet by the time I had finished I felt like a new person.  I felt like me again.

And through my jouraling I discovered something – I am too negative! I focus purely on what I can complain about and not about what wonderful love and support I have.  So mid-way through, I started with every negative to write three positives, and at the end, I rewrote each good thing I have in my life.  Wow! What a list it turned at to be. But don’t get me wrong, today, I complained and whinned for a bit, and then caught myself.  I stopped for the rest of the day. 

Don’t get me wrong.  Sometimes to be honest means we have to be negative.  Sometimes to change we must bring the darkness to light.  Sometimes it is okay.  But sometimes isn’t all of the time.  I am going through different situations in life, and for those of you who I vent to, thank you.  Thank you for listening to me and putting up with me.  However, I am going to try not to need to as much.  I am going to try…don’t hold me to it, but baby steps are in order.  Maybe, just maybe the situations that I find myself in are making me stronger and stronger. Maybe one day…I will actually be an adult—-Nah, that won’t ever happen.

So I pray for you today, tonight, or whenever you read this that you will see God’s shining love in your life.  I pray that you will choose to focus on the positive and not the negative things, and that no matter what situation you are going through at work or at home, you will stand strong.  Remember that if we didn’t know what Suffering was like, we wouldn’t know what peace truly was.  Focus on the good, the positive, the blessings, and I promise you, you will feel much more like yourself. 

There are moments when I feel my life is a dream.  There are moments where I wonder how I got to be where I am today.  Recently I had my 21st birthday (no, there was no drinking involved…for good or for bad) and it made think how fast the years have gone.  On the way to the city, my friend asked me to tell him one event/story/thing from each year of my life.  When I started thinking about that…a long list came to mind.  So many different parts of my life growing up.  I had what was going on in church/my personal faith, then there was school, and of course family…some friends events (though I have always been pretty distant with people).   It was hard to just tell one thing from each year because it was just the tip of the iceburg on who I am today.

Tomorrow we have a big fundraiser luncheon that I am quite nervous about.  Without getting into it all, there is just a bunch of work that has to be done, and I am afraid we won’t have enough help.  I keep praying to God that everything works out and it is a huge success.  (God only knows at this point however.)  And as I sit here at 10:30 the night before, it is surreal to think that I am in charge of it.  That tomorrow, I am the person that everyone will come to ready to get guidance.  Tomorrow…I am a somebody.  And quite frankly, this scares the hell out of me.

How did I get to where I am today?  Who am I today?  Am I good?  Am I bad?  Do people like me?  Do people hate me?  If I continue down the same path I am today, will I be who I want to be?  Do I need to change directions?  Am I too negative?  Am I too postive? Too idealistic?  Too cynical?  All of these questions I wonder…all the while, I really need to be in bed.

I don’t have the answers.  I wrestle with this daily and try to grow into someone I like.  I find I whine (a lot more than what I admit), and complain (to too many people).  One person told me I try to always be the victim of life, to be the pitiful one.  Another told me that I am too cocky and confident.  The real question is this; how do I take where I am today and make a better tomorrow?

And with that, I have no answer.  By the grace of God is the only thing that comes to mind.  To always be open and available, ready to serve.  But do I?  Again, I don’t know.  I can only pray that when tomorrow comes, I make the right choices.  I try my best at all times to be the person that I want to be.  I want to complain just the right amount, find joy in all things, and be comfortable in who I am whoever that may be.  This is growing up I guess.  This is just the beginning of the “real” world.  Is it nap time yet???

My blessing is just for you to know who you are.  In those moments of “whoa…how did I get here”, you will remember that no matter where you are, God is with you.  May you seek His guidance and look for the North Star in your journey.  I hope that life is going well for each of you.  And thank you.  Thank you for taking time out of your busy day to read my words.  My thoughts.  My explorations of the seasons. 

I now know why pastor’s only preach once a week.  This blog has been heavy on my mind as I have not updated in a while.  I don’t know how many people read this or do I know how often you may (or may not) stop by to read my words.  However, I normally have a point in writing that isn’t merely ”Today this, this, and this happened”.  For those events stay locked away in my journal.  This blog is more than simply recording the day’s happenings and it is even more than sharing with you my opinions on life.  This is a record of the lessons I am learning each day.

However, it has been more than ten days (I think) since I updated.  It isn’t because I have not thought about this.  In fact, I have thought tons about it – what to say, how to say it.  I have, like many things in my life, put too much pressure on this.  I want something that is interesting, thought provoking, and if nothing else, something that you enjoy reading.  I do not equal boring (as many of you already know). 

Now some of you have already commented that this is does not have to be in perfect shape or form.  It does not always have to make sense.  It does, however, have to be real.  I keep telling myself this, but please bear with me as it is going to take some time to get used to.  I am all about habits.  I like changing systems, processes, and even my apartment around every…week…but to change myself/my life schedule is a bit of an odd thing.  I like routine.  I like knowing what I am doing every hour tomorrow.  This doesn’t happen with my current lifestyle, and so I find myself unbalanced.

I even think that my brother and I ended our family vacations (well, rather this was a disadvantage in going).  During the entire trip, my brother and I would ask where are we going, when are we getting there, who will be there, how much will it cost, what type of food will they have, what is the point in going, and many other well defined inquiries.  A few of these questions are actually important to know and to ask once in awhile.  All of these questions get old after being asked them 15 times in a single day!  You can imagine how my brother and I handled the dreaded phrase “change of plans”. 

I digress…I have not found a perfect time during the day to do this.  I tried doing it at night, before bed; however, this only activitates my mind into high gear which results in a very late night for me.  I don’t really have much time in the morning, and life takes over my day between the hours of 9:00 am-8:00 pm. So it has been hard for me to find a set time to write on this about what all I have learned.  But, I will agree, that it is awesome to record my daily learnings and reflect with you the fun of life.

Back to the “pastors only preach once a week” thing.  Upon reflecting on why I don’t blog more often (yes, I am even one of those who think about thinking too much), it became apparent because it wears me out.  I notice that has time went on in my previous postings, they seemed to get shorter and shorter.  It is because I pour my heart and soul into what I am saying, praying that it clicks with someone reading it, and maybe, just maybe, they will feel better.  (yes, I still have the young idealistic mentality that I really can help change the world).  I give this 110% in my efforts and with that, comes one very tired young man.

Writing daily is too much, too tiring for me…writing every 10 days is not enough…so once again I struggle with finding balance with…blogging!!! (balance sucks by the way…why do we need to be “balanced”?  Why can the world just be filled with a bunch of crazy folks running around like chickens with their heads cut off?) 

Please bear with me as this whole “blogging” experience takes time for me to get used to.  I am sure that once I get a good pattern started, it go much better with awesome posts and I may even bring in some new stuff…I really do like change in that regard.

May you find this post worthwhile and may you find your spirit glad that you stopped by today.  May God give you His grace and love.  May you find balance in your life where ever you may be and doing.  And most importantly, may you read from this little ol’ blog my heart and soul…

I would check back in three days to see the next post.  Every three days sounds good, doesn’t it? Amen.